While you losers have been flipping your shit over Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens or the three-second-long tease that shooting on Episode VIII started, I’ve been patiently waiting for the only reboot that really matters: FX’s The People V. O.J. Simpson.
Once upon a time, in a courtroom far far away (L.A.), the real battle against the dark side took America by storm. The trial was everywhere. I wasn’t old enough to see Star Wars in theaters but I was old enough to remember the feeling the trial gave an 11-year-old Shaun Diston in 1995. I remember the goosebumps I got watching the verdict. It was the first verdict that I watched multiple times and it inspired my lifelong love of verdicts.
A lot of people don’t understand my fandom. All I get are blank stares when I dress as a bloody O.J. at cosplay events. They say it’s not a “fun” costume. They say I don’t “get” these events. So, below I’ve explained my fandom in a way you Star Wars geeks might finally understand.
O.J. Simpson is my Darth Vader
Imagine if Anakin Skywalker guest starred in all the Naked Gun movies. That turn to the Dark Side becomes much more interesting. Nordberg!
The State of California is my Han, Luke, and Leia
Han, Luke, and Leia are fun but you haven’t seen sexual tension until you’ve seen Marcia Clark and Christopher Darden do jury deliberations. “I object” … “I know"
Kato Kaelin is my Chewbacca
I don’t know about you but I like my sidekicks stoned and living in the guest house. Both have great hair but Kato is fun without even trying.
The white Bronco is my Millennium Falcon
I swear to god I cried when they panned over to the famed Bronco. What’s more exciting than a high-speed chase in the Millennium Falcon? A slow-speed chase in a Ford Bronco. This was one of my favorite sequences from the show. Fun fact: It was shot using all practical effects.
Johnnie Cochran is my Yoda
I always imagined Yoda as a smooth-talking defense attorney. Honestly all aliens would be more interesting if they had law degrees. “If it doesn’t fit, acquit you must.”
Mark Fuhrman is my Boba Fett
Do I need to explain this?
Robert Kardashian is my C3PO
Apparent worry robot C3PO seemed to have a lot of emotions as a protocol droid. On A.C.S.T.P.V.O.J.S., that role is filled by the very human, very emotional Robert Kardashian character. I love seeing that dude cry.
The Bloody Glove is my lightsaber
Talk about a powerful weapon! The fights over the bloody glove are some of the most exhilarating battles ever caught on film. It was very hard keeping my collectible black glove in the original packaging. All I wanted to do was play with it.
“O.J. is Kourtney’s father” is my “Luke, I am your father”
Vader being Luke’s father is a great twist, but that’s nothing compared to the fan theory that O.J. could be Kourtney Kardashian’s father. Remember, all episodes of Keeping Up With The Kardashians are in the O.J. trial extended universe.
Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman are my Death Star
If you’re like me, when the star destroyer exploded, I could not wait for the inevitable criminal trial. Imagine my face when the credits started rolling. EPIC FAIL!
So for the next seven weeks, I’m in heaven. So far, each episode has been amazing. It’s honestly the biggest thing happening in my life. So when my girlfriend nervously asks me, “Why do you like O.J. Simpson so much?” my only response is, “May the Juice be with you.”