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February 17, 2015
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Random stand-up jokes.

Stand Up Jokes


1: Talking to my grandparents is like talking to titanic passengers…nobody gives a shit what you have to say because you’re dead soon anyway.

2: I went to a lot of parties in high school…my parents were kind enough to invite me to my 15th, 16th, 17th, and 18th birthday celebrations.

3: Hershey is the only company that can get away with selling “pieces” of a product…I’d never buy the iPhone Cutlet.

4: The reason I don’t smoke weed is not because I’m “getting high on life…” Just like I’m not a virgin because I’m getting off to porn.

5: Been constipated so spending time on toilet. Reading to stay occupied. Read some Stephen King. Scared the shit outta me. Problem solved.

6: God is the biggest sexist I know. Way back when he could have created women equal to men. He didn’t.

7: Taco bell has made the dorito burrito and the fritto burrito. If you live in NJ I’d watch out…it’s only a matter of time before the guido burrito.

8: I’ve been watching a lot of erectile dysfunction ads…I’m gonna call my girlfriend to meet me at the beach with a white bathtub and a receding tide.

9: I heard Cubas favorite punishment is CASTRation.

10: Free time is like children; you always want it, but when you have it, you don’t know what the hell to do with it.

11: You know there’s something wrong with humanity when the “fuck you” gesture is simpler than the “hello, what’s up” gesture. We made it simpler to flip someone off than to wave at them. We’re enabling the assholes and barring the saints.

12: Someone designed glasses without wearing glasses (need to work on this idea a lot more).

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