I am voting for Barack Obama. And though I am a gay lady, I love Obama with a visceral passion. Like, I really like him. Like, if he wanted to, he could put on a lady’s wig, and I would allow him to fill me with hope. I love him, and I will imbue him with as much messianic magic as I damn well please. If Barack Obama wins, literally everything will be figuratively okay.
The “gay marriage” issue is on the ballot in Arizona, California, and Florida. Personally, I am very excited about “gay marriage”, or as I like to call it, “marriage”. Because I had lunch this afternoon, I didn’t have “gay lunch”. And I parked my car, I didn’t “gay park” it. Although, I totally parked like a fucking fag!
I am still seething over the Vice Presidential debate. When asked whether they support equal rights for all people, both Palin and Biden made overtures that everyone should be treated equally under the law. However, when asked if they believed in “gay marriage”, they both backtracked and said “no.” Because the word “marriage” evidently has a trademark on it. It’s “Marriage TM”. (Copyright 2008, The Straights) “Marriage” is their word. Gays can call it something else, like “Fiddly-Diddly”. “Congratulations Tom, I hear you and Gary are getting fiddly-diddlied”. Just don’t call it “marriage”. That word belongs to the heteros who have been upholding its honor for centuries, by failing at it sixty percent of the time.
For those of you in California, please vote “No” on Prop 8. It’s one of several propositions on the ballot that really makes us seem like a bunch of jerks. Prop 8 wants to eliminate rights for gay people. And then there’s Prop 2, which seeks to give caged farm animals a few more inches of room so they can do crazy things like turn around and spread their wings. Vote “Yes” on that one, unless you really hate chickens. How cruel are we? That we even have to vote on these things is ridiculous. By the way, vote “No” on Prop 48, which wants to force people with diabetes to live in candy houses.
If you live in Arizona, please vote “No” on 102. In Florida, please vote “No” on Ammendment 2. Whether you believe in “gay marriage” or not, voting “Yes” is a vote to take away civil rights. So vote “No”, unless you are a hateful person. Then by all means, vote “Yes”. After that, you can yell at a baby, punch an old lady in the face, and be on the lookout for karma. I hear she’s voting for Obama.
P.S. If you're in LA, come to the Don't Fuck This Up! Election Eve Show, hosted by me and Brently Heilbron, with Jen Kirkman, Erin Foley, FOD's Seth Morris and special guest Janeane Garofalo!