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Published October 01, 2008

Bill Kristol's column from yesterday offered some suggestions for "How McCain Wins." Kristol wants McCain to pull even more "impetuous" stunts like his airlift into Washington to save the bailout. Kristol also jumps on the "Free Sarah Palin" bandwagon, because obviously giving that one the keys to the store is going to save everything.

Well here's our strategy for how Obama wins: He already did. Because based on the campaign McCain has been running, John McCain lost this election about a month ago.

 

For a Hail Mary pass to work, it needs to be followed by a touchdown. The Sarah Palin pick and McCain's campaign "suspension" to save the bailout were both Hail Mary throws, desperate attempts to reverse a freefall. Unfortunately, for a Hail Mary to work, it helps if the ball is carried into the end zone. Sarah caught the first one and the crowd cheered for a few weeks before realizing the receiver had no legs (but a lot of spunk!). The second one landed in the dirt. However, there's one important thing to remember. Hail Marys are only thrown at the end of a game! If they already threw two and Kristol wants them to throw more, it's because he knows as well as they do that the game has been over for a very long time.

Freeing Sarah Palin will work about as well as freeing Willie Horton did for Dukakis. Blaming her overprotective handlers is nothing more than conservative talking heads buying time until the debate, where Sarah will either shit the bed and lose all of her defenders, or she'll pull it off just enough to keep the campaign exactly where it is: losing. Regardless of whether Sarah survives the debate, people don't vote for the bottom of the ticket. But unfortunately for John, they sure as hell will vote against it, which is why McCain couldn't go for his first choice. Poor Joe Lieberman. He's the guy people only want to vote against .

Steve Schmidt is not Karl Rove (but he is almost as ugly!). After so many years of Karl Rove kicking Democrat ass, we assume that EVERY move the Republican team makes, no matter how obvious and shameless, will work like a charm and the Democrat can only wave a polite goodbye to Florida and Ohio. But Schmidt makes only desperate moves that fail to yield any sort of gain. Karl Rove did not throw Hail Marys, he made plays and controlled the game. Schmidt might be Rove's "protégé," but are we talking 2004 Karl Rove? Or more likely, 2006? (Remember that election? The Democrats won! It can happen!)

We eagerly await the race card. Honestly, Obama's blackness is McCain's only hope and Kristol knows it. That's why his column ends with the classy suggestion that Palin drag Rev. Wright into Thursday's debate. We're certain she'll be very subtle about it. McCain will surely focus on Obama's blackness as November approaches. Unfortunately for him, we're betting team Obama might be anticipating something like that. Just a hunch.

23/6 would like to apologize for the excessive use of awkward football metaphors in this entry.


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