1) The Trash People Bail

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“Ricky G on the mic. One two one two. I need all the lookouts to keep their eyes open for another time jump. Happening right now.”

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Thank god we get to hear the end of this conversation that already had an end and was bad the first time. I love that after everything Rick went through to get them on his side, the trash people bail the second things go south.

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If only there was some way for Rick to know they’re garbage. Oh right, they literally live in a pile of trash.

2) Carl Volunteers To Pick Strawberries With Negan

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Carl is a big boy now with his big boy pants. Which is why he’s ready to step up, do what needs to be done, and pick strawberries with Negan if that’s what it takes. If that’s what it takes for what, Carl? Strawberry pancakes? Still don’t believe Carl’s a big boy? Check out his very manly stubble in this montage of face closeup set to weird music.

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I did not like this montage of face closeups set to weird music.

3) Finding Mimos

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Aaron and Enid are on the road going … somewhere? I forget what they’re up to. Everyone is pairing up and going places this season and I simply cannot be expected to keep track of all these pairings and goings. Oh they’re going to Oceanside! That should end well. Real friendly folks over there. Enid says she’s a better driver than Carl but that’s not saying much considering he inherited his skills from Lori. Great call grabbing booze for the Oceanside gals! Hope they have mimos at that distillery. Gals love mimos.

4) Judith Is Still In This Show I Guess?

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Judith is still on this show I guess?

5) Daryl Keeps Saying It Worked

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If you ever find yourself saying something worked over and over, it didn’t work. You’re just trying to convince yourself it worked, but it certainly did not work. It was a disaster and you blew it and you can’t undo what’s been done and our relationship worked, Samantha. Do you hear me? Do you read these? Samantha, our relationship worked and I think we should give it another shot! Just please unblock my number and let’s give it another shot.

6) Carl’s Blog Sucks

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Carl’s new blog “Eye See What You Did There” sucks and I’m so glad he doesn’t have access to the internet to upload his bad blog for more folks to see. Wow, thanks for reminding me of Enid’s awful mantra. Almost made it out of 2017 without having diarrhea. Close one!

7) Enid Shot Grandma In The Face

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When did Enid and Aaron decide to turn their hospitable gift into a woods trap? Well I’m sure when someone from Oceanside shows up they’ll SHOOT GRANDMA? WHAT THE SHIT, ENID?! YOU KILLED GRANDMA! Merry fucking Christmas.

8) Here We Go Negan

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Carl is about to introduce Michonne to his Ninja Turtle friend when Negan shows up. He wants everyone to know he’s pissed. But also polite. And he’s about to seriously fuck shit up. Right after one more face montage, this time it’s a driving edition! You know, they REALLY have shown a lot of driving and face montages this season. It’s mostly just driving and face montages. If you take out every scene from season 8 so far with driving, face montages, or a character who talks weird it would just be the opening credits 8 times in a row. Jerry gets sideswiped by Lori’s ghost, because her driving is so bad it doesn’t adhere to the rules of time, space, and mortality.

9) Jerry’s Perfect Note

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Jerry’s note is amazing. A literary marvel. He uses majesty, bounce, flake, and deuces. It sounds like Zeke is playing words with friends with Jesse Pinkman.

10) NOOOOO! NOT JERRY!!

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If a tree falls in the woods, and nobody’s around to hear it these guys are majorly boned right now. I’ve got a bad feeling about this that JUST GOT A WHOLE LOT WORSE NOW THAT I AM LOOKING AT JERRY. NOOOOOO! Not Jerry! ANYONE BUT JERRY.

11) Negan’s Request For Creative Apologies

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I respect that Negan is willing to give points to whoever can deliver the most creative apology. May I be so bold as to suggest a haiku?

Sorry about the
Ass ton of walkers we just
Dropped at your doorstep

Shout out to everyone who counted on their fingers while reading that. This is the best, and only, recap of a zombie TV show that encourages the readers to count along on their fingers. And that’s a goddamn guarantee.

12) Negan And Carl’s Moment

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Negan’s trying his hand at an open mic. And while his material is not great, I guess you have to start somewhere.

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Why is Carl suddenly talking like Batman? I’m not buying it, only one of his parents are dead.

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“KILLLLL MEEEEEE.”

Negan. Please. Please do it, Negan. Negan, please. Just cut his hair a little with Lucille! But it was all a trick to help the gang escape through the back, and I’m with Negan on this one. I also thought they were having a moment and I also think Carl’s a little asshole. And I was wrong. About one of those things. But seriously, Negan. Go kill Carl.

13) Carl’s Smoke Show

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Carl makes sure to grab his hat, nice move genius, then sets off some smoke bombs not dissimilar to the ones you can buy in supermarkets around the 4th of July. Yeah, that’ll help. Anyone else think Alexandria is blowing up a little too easily? I must’ve missed the episode where they built the church doors out of dynamite and put gasoline on the outside of their cars.

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Oh no! That’s definitely going to singe one of Carl’s seven facial hairs.

14) Zeke’s Killer Hiding Spot

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Come on, dude. REALLY? Nobody but her sees Zeke hiding right there? Moving around and shit? I don’t even think that’s technically considered hiding. Maybe they’re all just used to seeing him with a tiger? I could see how if you’re only used to seeing a guy with a tiger, he’s basically invisible without that tiger.

15) RIP Some Random Dude

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Simon shows Maggie he means business by killing some random dude I’m not even sure is a character on this show. I think he’s a lighting guy who just accidentally sat down in the wrong place at the wrong time. Which explains why I can’t see a damn thing in this show.

16) Eugene’s Sad Midnight Drinking

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Eugene drinking alone at night, haunted by the decisions that brought him here is super sad. And also super relatable. And the fact that it’s so relatable only makes it sadder.

17) The Fault Is Our Stars

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Tara and Daryl keep saying it isn’t their fault like it’s not their fault when it’s so completely their fault. Everything would be fine right now, smile city, if they didn’t fuck it all up for no discernable reason. Sound familiar, Samantha? Call me. I miss you so much.

18) Carl Thinks He’s Batman With This Bullshit

Damn. Carl really thinks he’s Batman with this bullshit. Or maybe he thinks he’s a Ninja Turtle? Maybe he thinks he’s some kind of Teenage Mutant Ninja Batman hybrid and that’s honestly the coolest thing I can imagine. Shit, is that a show? I would much rather watch the Teenage Mutant Ninja Batman show.Sound off in the comments (I still read every single comment) if you’d rather be watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Batman show.

19) Eugene’s Ghost Jizz Alarm Clock

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Eugene always brings innovative solutions to problems. How do you quietly wake someone up in their sleep? Easy! Just mist them. Which is virtually silent. Until the person you woke up screams, “WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? DID A GHOST JUST JIZZ ON MY EYES?!” Between his ghost jizz alarm clock and making a guard “catastrophically crap his khakis” Eugene did more in one night than I managed to get done in all of 2017.

20) Carol’s Passionate Goodbye

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Carol didn’t seem to really mind saying goodbye to Zeke. “No. Please. Don’t go, or whatever. I guess. Byeeeeee.”

21) Killer Cupcake

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Maggie is mad as hell and she’s ready to shoot this dude like he’s somebody’s grandma. She shows everyone that cupcakes can be deadly, something I’m extremely familiar with because I have diabetes. Time to write Simon a note on his coffin! “Have a great Summer! Stay cool. Maggie ‘Don’t Call My Margaret Or I’ll Cut You’ Rhee.“

22) Vest Wishes

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Give him back his vest, Dwight! You’re getting traitor blood all over it. It is so cute Daryl wants his vest with angel wings back, because it is just all around a very ugly and bad vest.

23) Rick Vs. Negan: Spaghetti Standoff

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You know things are bad when Rick is just whispering Carl. Negan presses pause on his spaghetti to tussle. And it’s a classic tussle! Complete with a very rare occurrence of Negan getting hit with his own bat. He used the wrong end of the bat, but whatever that’s an easy whoopsie anyone could make. Rick makes a clean getaway by backwards sommersaulting out of one of the last windows in Alexandria then power jogging down the block.

24) Sewer Side Squad

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The gang is all here! Ready to start their new life living in a place that smells almost as bad as season 2. Time for another montage of face closeups with weird music! These montages of face close ups with weird music are straight ass. 100% booty. And I really hope they stop doing them very soon forever.

25) Carl’s Death Was A Disaster

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Wow. It finally happened. They finally killed Carl. This is so sudden. I barely have any time to buy confetti and balloons. This is definitely the biggest character death in the show, and they handled it poorly. Like, super bad. I guess it’s from a zombie bite that happened off screen last episode? And he got it because he was saving a random and decided to creep up on some zombies to pay tribute to this random’s mom? Like … what the fuck? And he’s just been chilling with a bite all day, writing his stupid ass blog and trying to grow a bad mustache? I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Carl deserved better. And so do the fans of this show. This is the part of this recap where I remind you guys that midseason finales are a scam. They’re done by network to spread their programming out over a calendar to balance ad revenue. This mess started by splitting up Breaking Bad’s final season and we’ve all just been asked to accept it ever since. But not me. Not this dude. I will ALWAYS be the voice that says midseason finales are total bullshit and this is no exception. Because they easily could’ve shown Carl dying in this episode, but now they’re dragging the moment out to February so they can get another tune in ratings spike from people who want to be a part of a pop culture moment. And it’s done with no thought or respect to the fans who will watch regardless of these gimmicks, which is why ratings are at an all time low. Suck my ass in the rain with this nonsense. Do better, AMC. Do better. People will watch if you just do better. TUNE IN NEXT TIME! What will happen to Enid and Aaron? They’re going to take turns being Grandma at Oceanside. It’s a tough job, but someone’s gotta do it. Will Maggie EVER deliver her baby? I’m not sure she’s even pregnant. I think she just had a super big burrito for lunch, the symptoms can be very similar. Did Carl REALLY die? Not yet, but he will in the next episode when the first scene is Rick and Michonne trying to cut out a chunk of his stomach. NONE OF THIS AND MORE! Next time on The Walking Dead.


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