It’s Fashion Week and while that may not mean much to the non-fashion elite, it does serve as a good reminder to check in on your fashion choices before they get stale. To help, as a resident Funny or Die Men’s Fashion columnist, I’ve put together this handy guide for how you can update your look this fashion season.
1. Wrist wear is WHERE it’s at in 2016.
As I always say, one of the easiest ways to combine elegance and functionality into your wardrobe is to update your collection of watches. Flashing a stylish watch under a clean pressed cuff link is a universal sign for class.
2. Stop apologizing when you should be ACCESSORIZING!
Many men unnecessarily simplify their wardrobes into what my loyal readers know that I call the “Three Categories of BLAH": Shirt, Pants, and Shoes.
But why? There are a world of ways to spice up your look with new, fun accessories. Fashionable eyeglasses frames, a contemporary belt, or a leather strapped watch with platinum face and sapphire crystal Hand Guilloche dial will make YOU the one everyone’s looking at this spring!
3. When in doubt, UPGRADE your watch!
It’s getting more and more rare to see well dressed, professional, cool looking men wearing nice watches. Wearing a nice watch is more important to your look than you think. Am I talking about watches too much?
4. FIT is KING this SPRING.
This one isn’t about watches! A stylish, “European cut” to your shirt and pants will go a long way no matter how much you pay for your clothes.
Although, people tend to give you a pass if you’re wearing one piece of really nice clothing. Like a really nice watch. Sorry, but that’s just true! I know I said I would stop talking about watches, but I couldn’t just end the sentence without mentioning that a good watch makes pretty much everything else you wear forgivable.
5. I am not being paid by the Swiss Watchmakers Corporation or any of its subsidiaries.
A few people have accused me of working for the SWC and promoting the purchase of men’s style watches by young, hip, fashionable males to combat the stark decline in worldwide men’s watch sales over the last 10 years. That’s simply false!
Do I think the modern man should look to purchase a nice new watch to achieve a classic look? Yes. Does that mean the SWC is funneling money to a dummy bank account I set up in rural Mazatlán, Mexico so that I will publish articles on Funny or Die about how young, hip, fashionable men should wear watches? I mean, it’s not that simple.
6. This season: LESS is MORE.
The sexiest look for a man this year is standing naked in front of his lover with a shiny new expensive watch on his wrist.
7. Have I received gifts? Yes. HOWEVER, I made it clear that acceptance of gifts does not necessarily equal an endorsement.
8. I returned the money they funneled to my rural Mazatlán bank account.
9. But seriously: Watches are GREAT!
Men should keep wearing them before all the great watch companies go out of business. Please buy watches, I’m begging you.
10. Does that last one sound like I’m not really concerned with men’s fashion as much as I am pleasing the SWC?
11. OK, confession time: I took the money and only THOUGHT about returning it and now if watch sales among young cool American men don’t rise significantly in the next month I need to give them the money back. I already bought a really big TV that my wife won’t let me return because now she’s hooked on 4k. So I’m fucked.
And they are freaks dude. Seriously. Listen to what they made me do:
12. They made me fuck a watch in front of a group of foreign investors to display loyalty to their mission and probably that’s just how those freaks get off. Stainless steel band, unlubed.
My penis is all cut up now.
13. No one made a noise, that was the weirdest part. It was just me fucking a watch in the basement of a Macy’s in Ohio. There were over a hundred East German businessmen smoking cigarettes. It was sick. Don’t make me go back.
14. I don’t even know why they have such a hard-on for me. I’m just a men’s fashion columnist for Funny or Die. It’s not like this is GQ or Maxim. I’m not even the best men’s fashion columnist at Funny or Die.
This guy is:
15. This article is about to be published and I’m going to be in deep shit unless you all go out and start buying men’s watches. And fast. Fucking do it or I’ll kill you!
16. Sorry. I didn’t mean that. I don’t know what I’m even saying. I can’t even see the computer screen because I’m crying so hard.
17. Just, please, buy more high style men’s watches.
18. Don’t make me have to fuck more watches.