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Stats & Data

August 18, 2008




Ballimore, MD—In an effort to convert Fat Bastard to an alternate lifestyle, the seventy-three-pound Beagle was lured to a gay dog infield party at the Preakness hosted by four drunken, horny California Supreme Court Justices with a penchant for gay dogs.

“Twenty gay dog race revelers held down Fat Bastard and tied a rainbow ribbon around his male junk, initiating him into their club,” reported Austin Girl. The gay dog revelers allowed Fat Bastard to take to his paws where he took off running with the Rainbow Riders in hot pursuit.

Fat Bastard entered the track, avoiding his pursuers. A stunned track announcer thinking the Preakness had begun started calling the race of what he assumed was the second jewel of the Triple Crown. Here is the call:

“They’re out of the gate, it’s Fat Bastard in the lead at the quarter pole.  In second, Ass Sniffer closes in on Fat Bastard’s tail. In third is Ball Licker positioning himself for a lapping of Ass Sniffer. And, in fourth, Shit Eater looking for the pile. On the back stretch it’s Fat Bastard being goosed along by Ass Sniffer whose nose is firmly implanted in Fat Bastard’s ass. In third, it’s Ball Licker closing in on Ass Sniffer’s nuts. And in fourth, Shit Eater is hunting for the poop. At the three-quarter marker, as they round the final turn, it’s Fat Bastard finding a fourth gear and extracting himself from the nostrils of Ass Sniffer as Ball Licker moves into second. Half a length back in fourth is Shit Eater who’s gaining ground. And in the final stretch, it’s Fat Bastard trying to stay ahead of Ball Licker much to Ball Licker’s enjoyment, as Ball Licker hunts for the neutered Beagle’s nuts. The crowd hears Fat Bastard yell over his shoulder to Ball Licker, ‘they ain’t there dumbass.’ As Ass Sniffer drives Ball Licker to the rail with his fecal-coated snout, Shit Eater seizes the opportunity and moves into second and turns wide avoiding a crash. And, at the wire, it’s Fat Bastard by a rainbow ribbon. Shit Eater taking second with Ball Licker panting into third and Ass Sniffer leads the remaining field. These are gay dogs.”

Seeing the rainbow ribbon around Fat Bastard’s private parts, the announcer proclaimed Fat Bastard the winner of the first Prickness at a track record of two minutes and thirty-six seconds in front of eighteen-thousand screaming fans.

Fat Bastard stumbled to the winner’s circle where a mood-swinging French Poodle named the Governor’s Gal laid a bouquet of prickly pears around Fat Bastard’s neck. She asked Fat Bastard to describe the race. He said, “Ballimore is just like that county sheriff in the play called 'Best Little Whore House in Texas.' I’m a country dog come to town. If I stand flat footed, they try and fuck me. And, if I take off running, they bite me in the ass.”