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October 12, 2015
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"Your Professor loves teaching. Unless he's teaching you."

Having observed the disparities between Am Cult 310 Professor Mark Klein’s personality during lecture hall and his office hours Wednesday from 3-5pm, experts have reached the conclusion that Professor Klein is not routinely having a long day, but that his mood is, in fact, your fault because of the way you are.

These recent revelations have given way to a number of public service announcements, urging you to ignore Professor Klein’s cheery disposition in class, his tendency to crack jokes at his own expense and the expense of the school, and his up-to-date cultural analogies. The consensus among scholars is that although this is his genuine personality, it does not apply to you. A more reflective pattern of behavior is routinely exhibited during his office hours, during which he is dour, unresponsive, humorless, and in a hurry to get you out the door.

“Oh, Mark’s a great guy,” said his colleague Ryan Stone. “People love learning from him, and he loves teaching.”

“Except for you,” added Stone. “Mark hates you.”

Klein’s specific dislike for you was further demonstrated on Friday, when he put a little Latin R-trill on your name during roll call, but then pretended like he didn’t see you when you passed each other in the hall later that afternoon.

You are encouraged to stay home, remain in bed, and think about what you’ve done that’s made you this way.

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