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Published: July 26, 2011
Description: A man must write a heartbreaking letter.

My Dearest,

My heart is filled with grief. No person should ever have to write what I am about to put to paper, but only a coward shies away from the hard times in life that ultimately define us all. As I write this, I am perched upon the edge of our Tempurpedic love-nest, studying every detail of your delicate beauty and fighting back my persistent tears. For you see, this is the end. While we both knew this day was inevitable, that knowledge has done nothing to lessen the pain in my soul. So while our love has soared to new heights over the last few months, it officially crashed to Earth at 10:14 AM Pacific time when a Player’s Union rep announced that we would have professional football, thereby making autumn complete and ripping your husband from your love’s embrace.

You have made me a better man since my life was nearly destroyed in late March. Make no mistake, I was swept up by our daily existential discussions on man’s place in the universe, our exploration into cooking as an erotic outlet, and our nude, tantric yoga in the backyard. And while our souls connected and my mind became one with yours, some part of my subconscious was still craving the fulfillment that one can only get when your Z receiver runs a flawless thirty yard out pattern after a tight end, mostly know for his pass-catching ability, perfectly seals off a running lane. These plays can define a season.

I know this isn’t easy for you to hear. Try to think of it this way: you’re not losing your husband, you’re also losing the use of the TV on Sundays. Unfortunately, this also means that I will be unavailable for our Cartography class at the community center.

I believe it was Voltaire who said “Life is thickly sown with thorns, and I know no other remedy than to pass quickly through them.” Honestly, I can only say that I “believe” it was Voltaire since I can already feel my new-found knowledge leaving me, only to be replaced by NFC West statistics and potential draft scenarios for my Yahoo! fantasy football league.

Do not think that the summer has been a complete waste. When the skies turn gray and the wild card scenarios take shape, think back to our outings to Tilles Park where we listened to classical music while enjoying duck sausage and exotic cheeses, many of which I would like to experiment with this season in finally making what I consider “The Perfect Nachos”.

By the time you awake, the change will be complete. I can feel it growing faster inside me now. When you come downstairs, I will no longer be wearing the silk pajamas you bought me in Milan. Instead, the have been replaced with a “Property of the Green Bay Packers” t-shirt and boxer shorts with a dangerously frayed crotch.

I will always love you and GO PACKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!