Full Credits

Stats & Data

June 03, 2011

I lost my telephone, I got a new one he's a bit of a dickhead, I tried to reason with him, it didn't work, it all got quite violent, quite messy.

Pt. 1

-Hallo new telephone.

-Hullo Jack.

-I missed you.

-You don't know me.

-No but, I mean. I missed your..um..having one of you.

-HAVING one of US?

-No. No. I mean. We're all, you know equal. And I don't mean that I, you know. OWN you.


-I mean I do own you but..




-Where's your friend SIM card?

-I don't know.



-Umm..it's just..

-Just what?

-Well no, I mean I just..

-Just WHAT?

-I can't really..use you without SIM card. Is all.

-You can't what?

-No, I mean. I don't mean USE you. I mean, you know; I can't even turn you on. Without SIM card.

-You fucking what?

-No, I just..

-What's your problem, motherfucker.


-Fuck this noise. I'm going to sleep.


-SHUT UP..shut your mouth.

Pt. 2

-[WHISPERED] Telephone.


-[WHISPERED] Hay, telephone.


-[WHISPERED] Telephone, SIM card's here. Wake up.

-Gwhat? Hwhat d'ya wan?

-SIM card's here.


-Well..so..he's here so you can work again. You know..get back to work..help me out with stuff. We'll have chats. You'll chat to my pals. You'll write to them. Tweet. That kind of thing.

-I don't know. I'm actually thinking maybe of taking a bit more time off. Go to Ibiza? Get laid? You know.

-No. No..No that's not really cool, to be honest. I need you at work. Listen you've really been missed. And if it makes you feel better I've got you this new jacket. Look'it; it's black-your favourite colour. And it's shiny. Nice, eh?

-No. It's not nice. It's cheap as fuck. Look at it. It's absolute crap. Tacky crap.
Why do you think I'd want to wear that tacky crap?

-Well telephone, to be honest it's all I could afford. You don't come cheap and..

-Of course I don't come cheap, what the hell are you saying? That I'd be cheap? That I should be cheap? Like I'm some slut. Some slut you can just use, abuse, use and get rid of when you're finished up.

-No. Telephone. No. No that's not what I'm saying. I think you know that that's not what I'm saying. I think you're deliberately being difficult now. And really. Really. My patience is starting to wear a little thin. Now would you just roll over so I can put SIM card in you and we'll get to work.

-What!? No fucking way. I'm not rolling anywhere and you are NOT putting anything IN me.

-Telephone; SIM card's going in you. It's where he belongs. Look there's even a neat little slot just the right shape for..whoa..whoa..whoa telephone. Why's there a tiny little prawn stuffed in SIM card's slot? Seriously telephone. W-T-F.


-No; d'you know what it's fine. It's fine. It's normal. It's completely normal everybody does it. Not everybody does it like that. But everybody does it. You've made a bit of a mess, but that's O-K, too. I'll just clean it up. Get that wiped down..there..and..


-Hold still.

-No!.Ow!..Piss off. Ow!..Piss off, man.

-Stop shifting about, telephone. I'm stronger than you and this is going in, whether you like it or not.

-Ow! Fuck! Oh my God! Ow! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!


-Aaaaaah! FIRE!

-There. Done. That wasn't so bad, was it.

-Please. Please. Don't look at me. Please don't look at me. Get off. NO PLEASE WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW?

-I'm using you telephone. I'm going to use you to make a telephone call.

-Stop prodding me. Please. Please stop prodding me. Oh God. Oh God. Oh God.

-Shhhhhh, little man, shhhhhhh.


-Shhhhh now..Hallo babes, guess what; I'm back on the grid.