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May 20, 2012

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Lamest Attempts at Social Networking Seduction: Kate Upton Edition

If you spend any amount of time on a social network, you’ll notice a special phenomenon I like to call Social Networking Seduction. Social Networking Seduction usually involves lonely teenaged or middle age men liking and commenting on pictures of a target girl that they barely know posts or commenting “LOL” and “Ur so beautiful” on that target girl’s Facebook status, no matter how inane that Facebook status might be. In the history of mankind, Social Networking Seduction has never led to anyone getting laid.

This is an extremely common phenomenon, but it led me to wonder, are people actually stupid enough to try and Social Network Seduce an actual celebrity? Turns out, they are.

Enter Kate Upton. I decided on using Kate Upton as the celebrity Facebook account to research because I would consider her the current Hot Girl. A Hot Girl can be defined as a celebrity woman whose name is the first to come up when groups of college aged men have conversations about attractive celebrity women Former Hot Girls include Megan Fox, Jennifer Aniston, Pamela Anderson and most recently, Betty White.

There is an inherent inanity to trying to Social Network Seduce Kate Upton. First of all, Kate Upton probably doesn’t even look at her public Facebook profile; it is most likely run by a PR succubus. Second of all, Kate Upton has her choice of anyone in the world. I don’t care how much game a middle manger from Toledo, Ohio could possibly have, I just know that it isn’t enough to Social Network Seduce someone like Kate Upton.

Here now are some choice social networking comments that are the most pathetic attempts at Social Network Seducing Kate Upton—please try not to cry.

looking foreward to see you toonight honey

Unless “seeing you” means “having vigorous sexual intercourse with a hand puppet”, I doubt this guy will be seeing anyone tonight.

have my babies

Yes, please put a damper on your very lucrative modeling career to ensure this guy’s  genetic code gets spread into the future. I’m sure the next Einstein is coming from this guy’s ball sac.

Havin a party. Wanna come??!!

Kate Upton probably can get into any nightclub in America where every single one of her drinks are paid for, but I’m sure she’d rather go to a party in BFE where the alcohol options are McCormick’s and Keystone light which in reality is only smooth when you are blackout drunk.

ill see u later unite dea

HOW MANY PEOPLE SEE KATE UPTON IN ONE NIGHT! I see about twenty of these types of comments whenever Kate Upton posts statuses. I think “I’ll see you tonight” actually means “I’ll see your picture tonight whenever I’m simultaneously jerking it to the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition and crying.” It’s the only explanation.

 ya its my birthday and i am spending the whole day watching kateuptondancing.com

This is the saddest thing I’ve ever read in my entire life. This guy could be spending time with family and friends, but he has instead chosen to spend his birthday committing mass sperm genocide.

Have a good weekend sexy Kate! And remember, I want you!

Kate Upton Checklist:

1)      Remember to do laundry

2)      Pay the bills

3)      Remember that creepy middle manager from Toledo wants me.

marry me

The only way this marriage proposal could be less romantic was if it were on a set of a porn studio.

 i will sexy lady can i be your boyfriend

I really want to know what goes through these people’s minds.   I bet it’s horrifying.

 Beautiful pics!! Great job on the 3 Stooges too!! ;)

This is just a blatant lie. No one did well on that piece of shit movie.

 You like cherries..... I like cherry pie!!!!!!

Is this an allusion to that awful song by Warrant where Cherry Pie is used as a euphemism for vagina?  What even possesses someone to comment that on anything in the world? Do you think that by liking vagina you’re impressing Kate Upton? Why does this planet suck?

 I wanna stick it in your pooper

I have absolutely no comment on this.

i will pay you if i can motorboat you.

Yes, I’m sure that Kate Upton—someone who is most likely already a millionaire—would gladly take money to get motor boated by someone who at the very least is mentally incompetent.

Perfect everywhere. Kate, I'm going to write you in for president in this year's election. Is that cool? Lol

This is why America is fucked.

“When deciding who to vote for, I’ve got to know the candidates foreign policy, eco---O WAIT, TITS!”

Oh my....im gonna have a HARD attack

I’m done. I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.