Full Credits

Stats & Data

August 03, 2016

Jojo finally decides which guy is her unicorn.

All good things must come to an end. Lord Harrison welcomes us to the Finale. The audience this season doesn’t include a Pastor to pressure the final couple to get married on the spot but it does include Delicate Ben, Lauren B.land, and the BIP Crew.

We begin the episode with Jojo wandering around a temple, pondering love.

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Yeah they’re in Fuck It, Thailand! The monkeys have A-Ro-Bro’s hair. Jojo: “The reason I don’t say ‘I love you’ back to either Jordan or Robby is because when I’m with Robby I think of Jordan and when I’m with Jordan, in the back of my head I think of Robby.”

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Robby or A-Ro-Bro? I keep going back and forth between two AMAZING options!

Jojo looks out on Phuket.

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Phuket, I’ll just pick both of them. It’s 2016.

A-Ro-Bro Meets Jojo’s Parents

Jojo’s Bros, Mom, Father, and a mysterious silent girl are here in Thailand to help Jojo make this decision. She fills them in on how she loves both guys. Jojo: “It’s hard for me to say I have a big concern with either of the guys but I think this whole time Jordan… seems like the type of guy I would always go for. It always made me nervous that maybe he was the one guy that could break my heart.”

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The only small concern I could even imagine is a slight nagging feeling that A-Ro-Bro is gonna dump me right after he wins. That and all his belts are COVERED in notches.

Jojo greets A-Ro-Bro with a baby voice– she is absolutely picking him. Jojo: “I’m sorry I’m so sticky!” A-Ro-Bro: “Yeah, you are.”

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Not as sticky as you’re GONNA be after I bring your whole family FUN HATS!

A-Ro-Bro intros himself to the parents saying that he was really skeptical at first but was “really attracted to her” and then their connection grew into Banter.

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At first, I was just like, TITS! But then I was like, she SPEAKS TOO?!

A-Ro-Bro: “One of my family traditions is to embarrass each other and it’s something I enjoy very much. So I bought you guys hats. We’re gonna put them on real briefly, we’re gonna look around and laugh at each other, and then we can be done with it.”

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Do you feel comfortable giving me your daughter… NOW?!

He bought the whole family funny hats to distract from how he’s just reciting sports interview answers this whole time. He doesn’t even put one on himself, for fear of disturbing his entitled hair.

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Jojo’s Mom: “Jordan is very likable guy. There’s nothing wrong to be likable. But also I had my other side coming and telling me, ‘OK, he’s a playboy. He can easily be liked with a LOT of women.’”

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I mean, he’s a 10. I always told Jojo to not go after 10’s. Go after the little, bald quiet ones and they’ll stick by your side no matter what, even when all your children go on reality dating tv shows and your plastic surgery starts to look RULL weird.

Jojo’s Mom: “So you’re planning to marry her soon?” A-Ro-Bro: “Well–” Jojo’s Mom: “In the next year or two?” A-Ro-Bro: “Absolutely.”

Jojo’s Mom: “She has trust issues in previous relationship. How are you going to handle that? You’re an attention-catcher. You catch a lot of attention, a lot of females.”

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You don’t just catch footballs with those arms, do you? You catch FEMALES in your trap!

A-Ro-Bro: “We talked about how insecurity and trust issues can come up… But she is my best friend and I want to wake up everyday and make sure that she knows that.”
Jojo’s Mom: “Give me your word you will never break my daughter’s heart.”
A-Ro-Bro: “Absolutely not. I promise.”

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Uhhhh… Absolutely, not, giving you my word. Gotcha!

Jojo’s Mom to Jojo: “You know how you walk in, you’re the center of the party in the room. Everybody wanna be with Jojo. He’s exactly like you… You guys are too much alike.”

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He’s Boy Jojo. He’s like your brothers. You wouldn’t want to end up with one of those narcissists, would you?

Jojo: “I think what you’re actually scared about is that because he’s so likable that those insecurities that I used to have in previous relationships of having so much attention on the guy that I was with would make me feel insecure. Do you like Jordan?”

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I feel like you’re actually saying is he’s TOO perfect.

Jojo’s Mom: “I love Jordan. Who doesn’t like Jordan? That’s the problem.”

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I love Jordan. Who doesn’t like Jordan? Besides two of the people who know him best– his ex-girlfriend and his brother…

Jojo’s Mom’s confessional: “ I tried to have a conversation with Jojo but she’s all into him right now. So there’s this curtain up that doesn’t hear or see Mom’s reaction.”

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Jojo put up her Mom curtain again. Same thing happened when I tried to talk her out of starting Botox at age 16.

A-Ro-Bro finally sits down with Jojo’s Dad for the conversation A-Ro-Bro’s always dreamed of.

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The exact moment A-Ro-Bro has been jerking off to his whole life.

A-Ro-Bro chickens out and doesn’t ask for permission to marry Jojo though.

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So, yeah, I’m into her. Just want you to know that. But I’ll do what I please. A-Ro-Bro asks for forgiveness not permission.

Jojo’s confessional: “He wouldn’t propose to me without my father’s permission. I’m pretty confident that Jordan asked but I don’t know how it went down.”

Robby Meets Jojo’s Parents

Robby meets Jojo’s parents the next day.

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So yeah, Former Swimmer isn’t as lucrative as it used to be so I’m super gonna depend on Joelle’s dowery.

Jojo sits down with her Bros to discuss and they’re so much less dramatic than last season led us to believe! Jojo: “All [Robby] wants to do is tell me how much he loves me. It is very different from Jordan where it’s fun and goofy and silly.”

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A-Ro-Bro is all fun, and silly, and ‘feelings shmeelings’, ‘let’s make out to avoid these questions about past infidelities’, ‘look how far I can throw a football,’ etc. etc.

Jojo’s Bro: “You’re not picking someone to be your New Year’s Eve date. You gotta think about all the different components that come into a marriage.”

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Jojo’s Mom sits down with Robby One-on-One: “I’m giving you a princess. I want you to make her the Queen of your Heart.”

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See, the funny thing about my heart, Soraya, is it’s on my dick.

Robby pulls a pro-move and asks both parents permission to propose. Robby: “I don’t just want her hand in marriage. I want all that is Joelle Hannah Fletcher because you guys have raised such a special girl.”

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I’ve proven I love her by knowing her middle name. And for further proof positive, her blood type is O. I can also tell by the lock of her hair that I keep under my pillow, that she needs to be eating more iron. Convinced yet?

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Delicate Ben also said she was special so I’d really feel better if you can pinkie promise me?

Jojo’s Dad is crying. Jojo: “You see these men loving me?”

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You see how obsessed these men are with me? See how it’s totally natural and not forced in the slightest?

Jojo’s confessional: “In Robby I have a man that’s incredible. Unbelievable, perfect, amazing, makes me happy, makes me excited, makes me feel so treasured, my family is in love with him. This should be it. This is it. But I’m not ready to make a decision… I don’t know. The answer is I don’t know.”

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In theory, Robby is what every little girl dreams about finding one day – 0% body fat and all he says is ‘I love you.’ But honestly, the Disney Prince in real life is creepy AF.

Jojo’s Mom: “Robby is a more husband material for you.”

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But idk, I don’t give a fuck when Robby says he loves me.

Jojo thinks that maybe A-Ro-Bro saying “I love you” means more to her. Jojo’s Mom: “Did you say this because you already picked him?” Uh, duh.

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Did you say this because you already picked him on Night 1 with the first impression rose, having had prior knowledge of his celebrity status?

It is so bizarre that there is this girl there the whole time with a non-speaking role. Not a word or a summary by another character. One theory is this is Chris Harrison’s daughter who requested to be CGIed into the Finale somehow.

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Final Date with Robby

Jojo is trying really hard to force herself to like Robby.

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I’m a bird if you’re a bird! You’re Ryan Gosling! I def don’t wish A-Ro-Bro were between my legs rn!

Robby: “I feel like we’re the only two people on this Earth. It’s just her and I looking into each other’s eyes.”

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We’re the only two people on this Earth except for the producers who forced us to awkwardly make out underwater and the camera man filming us this very moment.

They then have one of the lamest conversations in the entire universe. Robby keeps forcing all this future imagery on Jojo. “I see us sitting on the most comfortable living room sofa, while dinner finishes in the oven. There’s a dog on the couch with us, obviously, and then there’s a faint noise of kids in the background, you know, ‘cause the bonus room is just around the hallway. And then we smell food burning because we were lost in the moment… We over-cooked the meatloaf.”

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Our bonus room is on the opposite side of the hallway from the kitchen. AREN’T YOU FUCKING PICTURING IT NOW JOJO?!

Jojo: “Mom, the meatloaf!” Robby: “But we’re fine with it because the sauvignon blanc white wine that we’re sharing together is better– it goes better with pizza delivery anyway.” Our kids hate meatloaf! Isn’t that funny. Jojo asks when that future image timeline is. Robby: “Nine months plus whenever they get voices.” Whenever the infants of your kind develop the ability to speak.

Back at the hotel, Robby lights a candle and then points at it aggressively, proud of himself.

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You do your one job and get me banged, candle.

Robby confesses his love to Jojo for the billionth time. Wait do they not get a second fantasy suite? They literally spend ONE night away from the cameras before getting engaged? Lol. DIS SHOW IS THE BEST. It’s like those old psychological experiments that were deemed too insane and psychologically damaging to actually legally allow anymore (Stanford Prison Experiment, Milgram Experiment, etc.), but The Bachelor does it every Monday night. They’re deprived of contact with the outside world without a single thing to do, including reading unless it’s the Bible. They’re forced to stay up all night sometimes, solely discussing their feelings about their love object. They’re crammed into a room together and supplied limitless alcohol. I digress.

Final Date with A-Ro-Bro

A-Ro-Bro’s walk is so weird. It’s like he’s walking on peg legs.

A-Ro-Bro is thinking about “maybe getting on a knee.”

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I may or may not take a knee if my Coach says to.

A-Ro-Bro: “Your sister’s hilarious.” ?!?!? Was that the mysterious girl?

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A-Ro-Bro is always in sports commentary mode. Jojo tells A-Ro-Bro she was disappointed he didn’t ask her Dad for permission given that Jojo knew A-Ro-Bro had been weirdly fantasizing about that moment his whole life.

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But you told me you’d had SEVERAL wet dreams about talking to my Dad??

He doesn’t feel “100% sure.” He met the parents first.

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I AM 100% sure you miss 100% of the shots you never take. Wait, what are we talking about?

Jojo lists the countless excuses she would have accepted for A-Ro-Bro not asking her Dad’s for his blessing. Jojo would have taken “I forgot” as a reasonable answer?!?! There’s no chance on this planet she picks Robby.

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At least tell me you FORGOT to ask my Dad. Or like, had a mini-stroke. Or, like, I’LL LITERALLY TAKE ANYTHING.

Jojo: “That moment’s gone… That devastated me.”

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I’m devastated and slightly worried this is indicative that I’m going to be missing a lot of moments I want when we end up together because you suck…

A-Ro-Bro: “You never know until you know… When I make that walk”… you’ll know it’s forever. A-Ro-Bro making a big deal out of this “walk.”

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My physical presence at the last rose ceremony will tell you everything you need to know, babe.

Robby and A-Ro-Bro Prep for Proposals

Ex-Swimmer Robby grooming is super creepy.

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Yes, yes, perfect Robby. You are so fucking fuckable. Wait there’s ONE HAIR OUT OF PLACE! ROBBY HOW COULD YOU FUCKING SCREW UP LIKE THIS, BAD ROBBY!!!!!

He meets with Neil Lane. Of course, heterosexual Robby knows exactly which diamond ring he wants.

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Meanwhile, A-Ro-Bro ponders shirtless on a balcony.

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He calls Jojo’s parents and gets their blessing to propose to Jojo over speakerphone.

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So text me back if that’s chill I propose to her. Bye.

They’re both writing her letters?

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Dear Jojo, you have to pick me due to your promises about meatloaf and the bonus room and country clubs and coloring books.

Now they’re both narrating their letters out loud.

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Dear Jojo, let’s be real. It’s been me since you heard I was going to be one of the contestants.

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I’m really sorry I told your Dad to go to Hell instead of asking for your hand. My b. I probs won’t fuck up again unless this goes like all my other relationships and like my personality thus far has indicated is likely.

Then we intercut the two guys’ speeches about being excited about proposing.

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The Dallas Cheerleaders are at the Finale Viewing. Of course? A-Ro-Bro also looks really creepy grooming.

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Yeah, show Bachelor Nation what America’s Fuckboy is all about.

Jojo: “I pray I’m not making a mistake.”

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You absolutely are making a mistake no matter who you pick.

Jojo re: loser: “I don’t want him to feel an ounce of pain.” Robby put shoes on without socks and then later has socks on??? It’s like he was PRETENDING to put shoes on. We see Jojo get Robby’s letter. His anal handwriting is another huge indicator that he’s not a straight man.

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I don’t love you enough to rip off the ragged edges of this sheet of paper tho…

We get an American Psycho angle of A-Ro-Bro getting ready.

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Please, Jesus, let the future imagery I forced upon Jojo make her think she wants that.

Ex-Swimmer Robby Tries to Propose to Jojo

Robby greets Jojo on the beach and is so confident that he does not pick up ANYTHING from the fact that her face looks like she’s gonna cry. Robby says a bunch of more lame shit about loving Jojo. Robby: “My future longs for you. My heart yearns for you.”

Jojo: “I can’t let you get down on one knee. Everyday I’ve been wanting it to be you.”

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I tried soooo hard to want you. Everyday I wanted to believe I could force myself to not like the same type of guy who inevitably ends up dumping me. Like I seriously left it all on the field. Left it all in the pool? Does that translate easier to you?

Jojo: “I fell in love with you but my heart is for someone else. I wanted it to be you.”

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Does not compute.

Jojo looks like she’s going to kiss him.

Robby: “Don’t settle.”

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Settling is picking YOU, Robby, don’t you get that yet?

Jojo: “I don’t know how to do this.” Somehow Jojo still walks him out. Robby cries into a napkin in the limo.

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Jojo: “My heart is broken.” My friend points out this is then the “perfect time to accept a marriage proposal.”

Robby: “In what world is that OK?”

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In what world does this scenario not end in me killing her?

We jump back to the Bachelor studio. There’s total silence in the Finale Viewing Party for a few minutes and it’s really weird.

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Lord Harrison, is it OK to speak now? Nope? K.

Jojo Picks A-Ro-Bro

A-Ro-Bro trips as he’s walking across the askew wood boards to Jojo. Jojo: “I love you.”

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A-Ro-Bro: “It’s real. It’s been real.” A-Ro-Bro proposes.

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Will you stay with me until we’ve milked all the money we can from appearances and selling face-masks on Instagram? K thanks.

They say I love you a million more times.

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This is so shocking! Even though I screamed at you for not getting my father’s blessing for proposing yesterday!

After the Final Rose

There are audience members wearing cheese heads and Packers football jerseys, which I’m told are Aaron Rodgers’ football team. Supposedly this themed audience is there because we’re going to delve into the A-Ro not talking to his family scandal tonight. We begin, though, with jilted Robby’s return.

This is what humans walk like, right?

He’s gotten veneers or done something crazy to his teeth. He didn’t have bad teeth before so this is very weird, they are way too white. He talks about how he liked that Jojo told him she loved him even though she dumped him.

I’m clinging onto it for dear life.

Ex-Swimmer Robby’s sad about the “plans we made for the future.” I don’t believe anything he says. Robby vaguely refers to some conversation from their “second jump off a cliff” in which he seems to think Jojo promised he’d won. Swimmer’s ear back to bite ya again, Robbayy!!

Jojo enters and greets Robby.

Chris Harrison greets Jojo by saying, “Hi baby” to her???

Robby: “I was glad you said [I love you]. It kind of helped me sleep at night.” Heh heh.

Jojo grabs something gross on the table. Robby asks her if there was anything missing from their relationship “for closure purposes.” Jojo: “We didn’t have friendship.”

Robby: “Do you ever still picture what a future would be like?” Jojo: “I’m so happy.”

Do I ever still picture what a future would be like with you? No.

Moving on. Lord Harrison: Bachelor in Paradise “is truly a train wreck.” YESSSSSSS.

Lord Harrison interviews Jojo: “I haven’t felt that groundswell [for you and A-Ro-Bro] that Ben and Lauren got.”

A-Ro-Bro says none of them are true. So there you go.

A-Ro-Bro and Jojo meet up publicly for the first time.

Lord Harrison re: the ring Jordan picked out that he got for free: “You did good kid.”

Someone did not understand the rules of the Hunger Games.

A-Ro-Bro could literally be talking about football or a woman, speaking about their challenges. Jojo: “It’s been difficult I don’t want to sugarcoat it.”

Lord Harrison pulls up on the big screen all the tabloid covers that eviscerated Jojo and A-Ro-Bro to rub it in some more. Lord Harrison: I can’t imagine what you went through “every time you go to the grocery store…”

Chris then UNVEILS tomorrow’s People Magazine cover?? I mean, this show is gross, but this is truly gross.

Yes, that piece of propaganda will really shut everyone up.

Jojo: “I just want to be able to go to Chipotle with A-Ro-Bro.” Finally, I can relate to you Jojo.

And by Life, I mean this open-minded and discrete stripper I befriended in Dallas.

Lord Harrison tries to delve into the “in-depth conversation” about Aaron Rodgers we were promised. A-Ro-Bro completely dodges it with one comment and so does Jojo.

This is bullshit. Don’t hype it up with all the costumes and shit if you’re not even gonna ask one follow-up question. Chris Harrison tries to push a football stadium wedding on them: “We could sell the place out.”

Jojo never sounded more dumb than when she is talking about Snapchat “clicking the little x” and shit.

Make those dick pics private, boys and girls!

Chris Harrison to audience: “You’re not leaving. You can’t leave.” Truer words have never been spoken. We get another preview of Bachelor in Paradise as if we needed to be more on board for it. We truly can’t leave. I’m trapped.

You’re welcome, Lord Harrison. Thank YOU for your tri-annual soul harvest.

Twitter if you want updates on when I post the recaps: @pacecase

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