You know how when Garfield, America’s favorite fat tabby cat, is confronted by yet another Monday, and everything just goes wrong? Whether he’s accidentally squeezing toothpaste all over himself or he randomly gets a pie in the face, Garfield would just as soon skip the whole day.
Well, that’s exactly how I feel about all these beheadings in the news lately, except maybe even more so. And just like Monday, every week it seems another beheading rolls around (no pun intended) leaving me wishing I’d stayed in bed.
It’s not just me, right? Haven’t there been way more beheadings happening all over the place? Either way, whether it’s ISIS decapitating journalists or a disgruntled whack-job in Oklahoma chopping his coworker’s head off, even one beheading makes me feel like I just fell right into the toilet while playfully chasing a fly.
In other words, like Garfield on a Monday, except maybe five times worse.
And how about that beheading on Long Island last week, where it was so gruesome they thought it was part of a Halloween display? Man alive — that’s like a big ol’ pan of reverse-lasagna for Garfield. In other words … you guessed it — A MONDAY, and then some. They should make a T-shirt or a coffee mug with Garfield right on there saying, “I HATE BEHEADINGS,” because you’re darn right I would buy it.
To be clear, I don’t mean make a whole new, different T-shirt or something. I’m more saying just take an existing design and change the text so it looks like Garfield is saying “I HATE BEHEADINGS” instead of “I HATE MONDAYS.” It would be pretty easy to do, I think.
In any event, this week was just another case in point. I come in after a refreshing weekend, ready to dive into another work week, only to find out there have been TWO more beheadings: another one in Oklahoma, and one in Hong Kong by a British banker who went totally insane and murdered two prostitutes.
It’s like when Garfield rips the Monday page off the calendar only to find another Monday underneath. I’d even go so far as to say it’s like Nermal visiting Garfield on a Monday (Nermal is Garfield’s nemesis — a cute, young cat who knows he’s young and cute and is irritating to no end about it).
What I’m getting at here is, two beheadings over a weekend — it just doesn’t get much worse than that, for me.
So what are we going to do about it? Well, I wouldn’t just sit here and kvetch about beheadings all day without offering up some kind of solution, and here it is: Jim Davis, the creator of Garfield, needs to do a special strip where Garfield addresses all these decapitations. Here is a rough idea for the strip:
(Garfield discovers Jon Arbuckle has been beheaded):
Garfield: “Oh, no! Jon’s been beheaded!”
(Garfield is anguished)
Garfield: “Why couldn’t it be Odie?!”
(Garfield looking at the newspaper and seeing that it is Monday)
Garfield: “Just as I suspected…”
If someone starts off their day intending to behead someone, reading just such a funny and incisive comic might make them think twice, especially after learning exactly how their actions are going to make people feel — like they’re Garfield and they just learned the whole week is going to be Mondays.
So please, Jim Davis, do the right thing and stop all these beheadings — I’ll be watching for our strip.