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February 03, 2012

you have 3 choices: get into a relationship, die in a hillarious car accident, or read this!


For some reason getting a girlfriend is (supposedly) really important. Maybe it is, but it’s probably not, at least when your under 20 years old. I’ve been alive on this earth for a good 16 – 17 years now, not counting the other 300 years that I’ve been alive pre 1995, those years were full of allot of laziness & procrastination when it came to stopping some assassinations (sorry J.F.K, M.L.K, and other “K” people.) But during this entire time, not once have I ever had or wanted a girlfriend or boyfriend, and I’m sure I’m not the only one. But whenever someone learns this fact it’s usually followed by that person saying “WHAT! You’ve never had a girlfriend!”, “seriously, you’ve never had one? Are you gay? Cause I know a guy who just so happens to be my uncle. . .”, or the more common “GASP! This person has never had a girlfriend. HE’S A WITCH. . . or wizard? Ugh, whatever, BURN HIM!!!” As you can see, it’s a really tough life.


I love my boyfriends like I love my girlfriends, currently the answer is “Non-existent”


It might be surprising to people that I’m a zombie in the bed, because I have no sex life, but I don’t care and neither should anyone else. Why? Well the main reason is because my bed is extremely comfortable, sometimes I feel that it was made by the god of beds herself (just so you know, that’s Martha Stuart.) Having to share that bed space with anyone else for any amount of time would surely result in the exact opposite of cuddling, which would be a 1950’s gangster fight (with brass knuckles like everybody loves) over who gets to sleep in it. other than that, to be semi-totally honest, sure I could conform to society’s unspoken law by getting a girlfriend, or at the very least blow off some testosterone by making whoopee with TONS of ladies. But mind you, that’s how hoes land on Teen Mom a.k.a. the other Morgan Freeman’s show. Doing that would surely stop people from asking me irritating relationship related questions, raise my already super high swag level, and cause me to sprout angel wings by being able to change my face book status from “single” to “in a relationship” (or from “jerking it” to “they be banging” if your reading this from the future and some new douche baggy social networking sight has taken over.) And I would probably do that in an instant if I (in the sweetest way) gave a cabbage patch kids worth of fucks.


I live in a single mans interior designed, meaningful relationship free hole, and I couldn’t be happier


Even though this kind of makes me look very anti-relationship, I can tell you now that I’m not. I have a couple of ironic friends who are couples themselves and are actually really nice to be around when they aren’t shoving their P.D.A’s (Public Displays of Awfulness) in my face or successfully making me feel like less of a human. I enjoy songs about love written by music artist who may be stalking some poor woman (Bruno Mars, Chris Brown, Justin Bieber, every other male pop star or boy band. . . Oh, and I strongly dislike all music these people make), Valentine’s day is one of my favorite holidays, and I’m pretty interested in the current position of people’s dating lives. The only real problem I have at the moment is dealing with people who want make fun of me just because I don’t want what they want or have, and telemarketers that keep trying to steal my soul (seriously, cut it out.) I’m sure the craving of wanting to be loved will be hunting me and every other person enjoying the joy of the bachelor life down. And when those companions comes I’m sure we’ll all be ready for them. So until that day comes, do yourself a favor (INSERT YOUR FREAKING NAME HERE) and enjoy your empty love life. Just look at me! I’ve been doing that for the past 16-17 years, and things have been going great so far!


Great so far. . .