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December 08, 2012

A quick rundown on why Jersey Shore and Justin Bieber are both signs of the end times.


The Mayans were a society of people with a strange and mysterious culture living in isolation from the rest of humanity at the time of their earthly occupancy, known mostly for their mysterious rites and rituals, so are the Mormons, and they were both right about one thing…the end of the world is nigh, or, for the less literal, more sensible interpretation, the collapse and degeneration of society’s fabric is nigh.

But how could the above statement possibly be true? Let’s take a look shall we?

Reality TV:

One of the biggest abominations of popular culture yet, reality teevee’s sole purpose is to spend close to nothing while raking in as many viewers possible. Yes that’s right, it’s the corncrop of the entertainment world and they didn’t hold back on the horse shit! As the harbinger of modern stupidity, pink mushy brain sludge, douchebaggery and haemorrhoids; from the gorilla jock straps on Jersey Shore and the skin stretched faces of The Real Housewives of Orange County to the screeching enthusiasm of Jay Leno, reality TV earns first place as an omen to the upcoming apocalypse for its outright and uncensored display of society’s bile, running a mock for everyone to see. Yeah that’s right, I said it and I ain’t taking it back.

Justin Bieber:

I’m not sure how they managed to squeeze everything that’s wrong with modern culture into this pint sized meat sack, but they did, oh yes girls and boys, just wait for the day Justin’s skin vessel explodes on stage while performing “Girl, You’re the One” or some other vacuous mockery of music’s sanctity. He may look well-polished and quaffed, but how well can you polish a turd, really? This is one shitty artist whose albums you don’t even need to play backwards to know that some demon from the seventh circle of hell popped this mini-douche out from an over ripe zit on the butt-cheek of humanity. What’s worse is that he was made famous through social media, he was chosen by viewers on YouTube. You can just imagine the record label executives cackling away at the idea of how it was easier to sell this crap to the public than they thought all along.

The return of the 90’s:

Chandler, Denim Jackets and Soul Patches, ok maybe not soul patches. The 80’s is almost over, again, and guess what, the 90’s is reversing in on us, like a fat, bushy haired Jewish lady in extra wide blue jeans and a sassy attitude screaming “Hands off the moychandise”, backed by a laugh track. I can think of no reason why we would want to see the 90’s again. Just let if fade away into history like a repressed memory of a catholic choir boy. Damn you 90’s, damn you!


A cesspool for people who have a knack for reducing their own existence into bite-sized one liners; Twitter has filled the gap between taking a shit and brushing your teeth. How did this social network become a legitimate platform for communication, or if it can really be called communication at all, with endless pages of regurgitated philosophical quotes and brain farts, we will never really know why it ever caught on. Perhaps the flat screen TV and reruns of Jersey Shore just wasn’t enough to quench our depraved needs in this post-modern world.


The dead end of all culture as we know it, the mutant remnant of seen before fashions with an unhealthy obsession for quirkiness and irony and hobo slippers. Hipsters are exactly what all post-apocalyptic movies are about, the scattered remains of popular culture scrounged together to form some glimmer of what was once human with an iPhone in one pocket and an unused vintage sketchbook in the other. It’s time to choose sides my friends and you’d better be damned well sure you choose right! Hipsters are one of the most prominent signs of doomsday and possibly even proof that you are dead, living out an eternity in hell.


Spending their adolescence in white shirts, black ties and name tags; Mormons believe that their space deity aka “God” literally owns our planet Earth and when they die, they go to heaven, then, sometime after that they too will become space gods with their very own planets, smiting the naughty and taking prayer requests, but not their unworthy lady counterparts. Nope, their wives will still be washing dishes and mopping floors in the celestial afterlife, closing left-up toilet seats in murmurs of suppressed rage. Three cheers to the people that brought us Proposition 8, Mitt Romney, de-forestation, overpopulation and shouting “We know you’re in there, we saw you close the window”. To the folks that believe that Jesus and Elephants landed in America first, thanks for being extremist yet vague enough to allow place for syncretistic parody, such as this.

Ok, so this pretty much covers all the main signs to the end of days, there are others but time is too precious, so you’d better get started on the binge drinking, start praying to your Gods or 4th dimensional crystal friends from the pleiadian constellation and I guess I’ll see you on the other side.