Look, Emma, I have something to tell you. I know you weren’t necessarily pleased when your BFF Bethany told you she was going to Africa to “find herself.” Who were you gonna go to Rosé Thursdays with? But she promised to Facebook Message and WhatsApp you all the time…if she could find cell service. When you didn’t hear from her you just figured, whatever, she’s busy, and maybe she couldn’t access an internet cafe because the computers were too old! But you started to get suspicious when she posted a selfie where she was being photobombed by a lion eating a jackrabbit. Like any girl raised on Sex and the City, you couldn’t help but wonder…does Bethany not like you anymore?
I know when you asked her about her absence, Bethany was evasive and kept coming up with a million excuses. “The time zones were different.” Like anyone sleeps normal hours when Netflix releases three original series in a month. Peak TV, people! You just wanted to know how the food was and if she fucked her tour guide, to which Bethany replied: “Really helped me continue my eating disorder and my tour guide was like twelve. And he was married, so.” Bethany was almost confident that you were too oblivious— I mean, caring, to know that she actually didn’t want to be friends anymore, so to test the waters she did what any millennial teen would do: post about her new friends from her trip on the Sosh Meeds!
When you did your usual routine of checking Bethany’s Facebook, Twitter, Instagram story, Instagram profile, Snapchat story, Snapchat, LinkedIn, Peach, Myspace, Friendster, Xanga, Livejournal, and Fitbit Tracker, you were livid. And understandably so: Bethany posted a photo of her and a llama, calling it her “new best friend.” NEW BEST FRIEND?!?!?!? You couldn’t believe you had been replaced, by a llama no less. So you adopted ten llamas and posted every hour on the hour updates about your #llamasquad, meticulously checking your view counts to see if Bethany had seen your posts. It was time to face the facts: Bethany prefers animals to people! There’s nothing wrong with you at all! When Bethany didn’t respond to any of your 73 texts, you got even instead of mad. Now you run a llama farm where you make onesies out of llama fur. What an amazing womentrepreneur! #winwin!