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August 09, 2012

A short on why America is fat

    I love gay people; they help me dress better, give me work out tips, and introduce me to gorgeous women I'd never have a chance with if they hadn't. On a more serious note, most of my gay friends have also lived some of the most terrible and heart aching lives I've ever seen. They also don't seem to let that hold them back. They maintain such a positive outlook on life that I can't help but admire them. Being gay isn't a choice. Know how I know? I've never woken up in the morning and thought “I'd love a huge throbbing dick in my mouth.” I do, however, wake up every morning wishing there were a vagina sitting on my face. Being gay also isn't a disease. If it were, then it would be treated like one. I'd be able to call out of work for a doctor’s appointment because I accidentally drank an Appletini and was feeling too “faggy” to get to work that day. In my opinion, if you hate gay people you hate Benjamin Franklin, James Dean, and Ryan Goseling(probably). In fact, hating gay people  makes you much more Un-American than someone who likes the feel of a dick pushed up against their prostate or someone who partakes in the very American past-time of scissoring!


    That being said, America, you're acting like idiots. This year’s biggest equality debate came from some big-mouthed, rich, white guy who makes a living slinging 800 calorie, deep-fried chicken breasts at fat people in scooters (Oh, and he also sells waffle fries. Delicious waffle fries!) Why does his opinion even matter to us? If we actually cared about what rich, white people said, we'd be following The Constitution and Bill of Rights. You know what we wouldn’t be following? The Bible, because, get over it, Jesus was black. If the owner of Chik-Fil-A hates gay people then thats his right, and he has the right to say it. We should be smart enough to realize equality should have nothing to do with chicken dipped in diabetes served with a side of high blood pressure. America: this is why you're fat. We should be focusing on the fact there are still states in this country where you can be fired from your job if you're gay, instead of boycotting food you shouldn't be eating anyway. Eating Chik-Fil-A is kind of gay, considering the things it does to your asshole when you eat it. I'll start to care what a fast food company has to say when I see McDonalds hosting blood orgies on Wednesday nights. Dear McDonalds, I’m slapping a TM on that, so if you start hosting blood orgies I want some recognition.


    America, if we really cared about equality, we'd be fighting for the equal rights of our citizens instead of hosting kiss-in protests at restaurants that double as shady drug-dealing spots for fifteen year olds. It hurts me to think we've gotten so reactionary to what people say that we can't see the big picture anymore. I don't care if what he said was offensive and stupid, and neither should you. If you really cared about equality you'd be celebrating the repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell and that there are now states gays can get married in. Quit sounding fat and being Pseudo-Political. Before this whole Chick-Fil-A thing happened, did any of you get off your asses to support your friends in gay pride parades, or give someone a place to stay when their parents kicked them out? Here’s a tip: stop hopping on the equality bandwagon and start actually caring, we're starting to look really bad, stop making the world think we care more about fast food than we do our citizens lives.