Dear Bill O’Reilly,

I challenge you to a fistfight. Here is why.

On Friday’s episode of The O’Reilly Factor, you did a segment called “How The Internet Is Deceiving You,” in which you attacked a writer named Amanda Taub for giving a bad review to the movie American Sniper. Because she pointed out certain propaganda-ish aspects of the film, you called her a terrorist sympathizer, a danger to the republic, and I think a dictator. Here is the clip:

American Sniper stretches the truth in numerous ways, such as implying that the Iraq War was a direct result of the 9/11 attacks, and making out like every Iraqi man, woman, and child is evil and hence unequivocally asking for a good sniping. Because Amanda wrote a piece for Vox.com pointing out this jingoistic nonsense, you spent nine minutes calling my brilliant, accomplished, deeply moral sister a traitor.

That’s right, Mr. O’Reilly. I, Melinda Taub, am Amanda Taub’s sister. So guess what — I challenge you to a fight.Here are just a few of the dumb things you did in these nine minutes that make me want to punch you.

  • You called Amanda a “terrorist sympathizer” and a “danger to the Republic.”
  • You compared the Internet to Nazis, because it contains my sister’s writing.
  • You claim that Yahoo posts Amanda’s “disgusting stuff” without any context or “information about the quality of the organization for whom she works.” Yahoo LINKED TO VOX.COM IN THE ARTICLE. You get context about a website from CLICKING ON IT. Do you not know how to click on things, Bill O’Reilly? Three punches for this.
  • Of a different article where Amanda explained Taliban tactics and propaganda, you said, “Here we have Amanda Taub providing a rationale for the slaughter of 132 innocent schoolchildren. Does it get much worse?” Worse than trying to understand a dangerous enemy so we can safeguard against them? YES EVERYTHING IS WORSE THAN THAT, ESPECIALLY MY KICKS.
  • You included her age for no reason and IT WAS THE WRONG AGE. 33 punches for the the 33 years old she is not.
  • You used a very nice picture of her. For that, I will subtract one punch I was going to give you.
  • You invited some vaguely liberal pundits on to defend her, then acted like they were Hitlers for trying to defend her. ONE BIG TWO HANDED PUNCH FOR THIS.

I mean it. I could laugh off your nastiness, but I won’t. A lot of our friends are thrilled that Amanda has managed to piss you off, because we don’t respect you. But I don’t like it when people insult her. And your shitty faux-news scaremongering isn’t a joke; you said genuinely nasty things about someone who taught me to climb over baby gates. That’s why I am making this genuine demand that you fight me.

I am not talking about fighting with words. I’m not going to come on your show and bleat liberal half-sentences while you interrupt me to get inexplicably furious on behalf of Yahoo. I’m talking about physical punching. We name a time and place, we both turn up with our posses, your face meets 121 pounds of pure muscle. Well, about two pounds is hair, but I will whip this deep-conditioned mane right in your mean old eyes when we fight.

Am I worried this isn’t a fair fight? Of course. I am in the prime of life and you are a gnarled old goblin-man. But I’ve also got some back problems and I’ve never been in a fight before, so I think it’s fine. You took her words out of context. Now I want to take your nose out of context.

I know what you’re thinking: You don’t want to hit a girl. Well, you should have thought about that before you insulted my sister, the woman who once patted my back while I sobbed outside a bowling alley over an investment banker. If it helps, picture me as a Muslim. I bet it does, you despicable creep.

So the ball is in your court, Bill. Name the time and place and bring the whole Fox News crew if you want: Gretchen, Megyn, Shep, Farn, Kevun, Nisty, Bip. I’ll fight them all.

I await your response. DM me on Twitter, @melindataub.

Best,

Melinda Taub

Funny Or Die News

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