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March 06, 2013

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at www.brianlisi.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Defending a tax on bicycles, Washington Rep. Ed Orcutt reasoned that cyclists exhale more CO2 due to exertion and "are actually polluting when they ride." You're next, anyone who chooses to use stairs.

Orcutt later apologized and said his comments were “over the top.” Explaining, "I just get really passionate about issues that harm no one at all."

Singer Taylor Swift said, "There's a special place in hell for women who don't help other women," referring to Tiny Fey and Amy Poehler and their joke about her at the Golden Globes. For their sake, hopefully it's nowhere near where they send women who imply other women are sluts in songs. 

Carly Rae Jepsen and Train canceled their show at the Boy Scouts’ 2013 National Scout Jamboree due to the organization's ban on gays. "Dang it!" said Boy Scouts who were immediately accused of being gay.

ABC canceled the Anthony Edwards show "Zero Hour" after three episodes. Edwards called it the biggest disappointment in his career, "And I played a fighter pilot named 'Goose.'"

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez died on Tuesday, March 5, the same day Josef Stalin passed away. Communists are calling it the saddest day since their parents asked them to move out.

Earlier, Chavez's vice president said the ailing leader was given cancer by "imperialist" foes. Suspects include Chavez's longtime enemies cheesecake and no exercise

Former Drug Enforcement Administration chiefs are calling on the government to overrule laws in Colorado and Washington legalizing marijuana. It's either that or spend time with their grandkids--ugh! 

An Alitalia airline pilot says he spotted an unmanned drone flying near New York City. Or as he called it, "Heya, issa cannoli witha no filling, eh!"

The White House says it supports letting people "unlock" their cellphones and tablets. Said the White House, "We didn't even know these things needed keys." 

Google Maps for the iPhone has unveiled its first major update. Meanwhile Apple Maps unveiled its first successful set of directions. 

In Afghanistan, a Soviet soldier who went missing over 30 years ago has been found living with Afghans. Said the soldier, "No! They had just begun to trust me!" 

Stories of file-sharing registry Pirate Bay relocating its servers to North Korea have been determined to be a hoax. Thus the only servers in North Korea will remain every North Korean except Kim Jong-un.