Dear Danny Zuker,
My name is Travon. I'm Black. Youre not. Now that we got that out of the way...
On Thursday, October 6th, 2011 at approximately midnight we met at the conclusion of the first annual Twitter Awards(of which I was nominated for none). We spoke briefly after you won you well deserved Best Parent award(your nittwit video only futher proved this) and I expressed my very ginuine love for your show Modern Family and since I was the only Black person present at the show I offered my services to be your new black friend.
To my melanin filled delight you responded with a laugh and said "I can always use a black friend" and thus set into motion the forging of our Ebony and Ivoryship. Now, all things considered, being the Emmy and Twitter award winner that you are, I dont know how serious you were. But as a Black man with no awards I took your offer quite seriously.
Which is why I am writing this letter, also to be followed by a series of other letters, to not only narrow the gap between us as friends but to help you understand why having a black friend (from Compton too(instant street cred)) is not only necessary but is paramount.
There's a lot we can learn from each other. Like you can explain to me why white men struggle with dancing and complicated hand shakes and I can explain to you why you guys are so easy to rob. Not that I've ever robbed anyone myself, but I may know of some people who have. This is only the tip of the iceberg for us. I also am not a fan of Chris Brown so we already share common ground. I hear his new singing doll comes with assault and batteries.
I noticed on twitter of your 500 follows, your only black friends are Yvette Brown from Community(always have to be equipped with a sassy black woman friend), Blake Griffin(Who's technically Black only by 1800's slave owner standards), Slash(gotta love a black guy in a top hat), J. Anthony Brown(the male equivalent of Yvette), and Barack Obama(he actually follows me on Twitter, we DM about foreign policy). That means you're only receiving a 5% black experience on twitter alone.
We have to change that Dan-Man. That's the nick name I made up for you but if you don't like it we can totally change it. I look forward to hearing the one you come up with for me. Christmas is in a few days and I think that would be a good time for us to start the bridging of our new found friendly divide. I've never experienced what Jewish families(I assume you're Jewish because you're successful in Hollywood) do for the holidays and I'm sure you've never experienced a Black Christmas so this is a great opportunity for us to learn and grow right? No pressure though Dan-Man. Have a happy holiday season. I'll be in touch soon.
Your Black Friend.