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 In this month's Cosmo issue, they put together a list of 50 things you should have never stopped doing.  Things from our childhood and young adulthood that made us happy and carefree.  Even though I was never a 13 year old girl, unfortunately, I took exception to a few of the more absurd activities on this list.  I highlighted the activities I deemed extra retarded (denoted with huh), even for the crack research team over at Cosmo. 


PART ONE

You Should Have Never Stopped:


1.  Listening to the Spice Girls

2.  Doing the "beep the horn" gesture to truck drivers

3.  Celebrating hump day

Huh:  How does one actually celebrate hump day?  If that is a sexual innuendo maybe I'll buy it, but if you're having sex as a teenager, it's more than likely your having it everyday anyway.  Not like us sorry old adults that have to wait for date night or, heaven forbid, the married couples that have to pretend to enjoy it usually by getting drunk or thinking of someone else. 

4. And Sunday Funday

Huh: Or the more prevalent New York City cocaine hangover Suicide Sunday

5.  Adopting a fake accent for a night out at a bar

Huh:  Nothing is sexier than a fake Chinese or Mexican accent

6.  Watching a TV show over the phone with your bestie so you can ZOMG over it together in real time

Huh:  I have no idea what the fuck that means

7.  Driving around aimlessly listening to John Mayer, and pretending that he's still the sweet, soulful high school outcast who worships your wonderland body from afar

Huh:  If you used to drive around listening to John Mayer find the biggest bottle of liquor in town and the biggest tree in town and drive as fast as you can into that tree. 

8.  Taking naps-get up early this weekend, run errands, be productive.  Then come home and crash on the couch.  It's never going to be as good as it was after class, but at least you're not snoozing on a futon.

Huh:  How about I don't do any of those things and I take a nap anyway.  Who took naps after class?  I took naps during class.  

*Bonus Tip*:  This is my most important bonus tip to date.  If you're a high school senior choosing where to go to college, listen up.  I guarantee, if you listen to this advice you will thank me in 10 years.  GO TO COLLEGE SOMEPLACE WARM.  Why? Because it doesn't make a fucking difference where you go to school.  You know why every Ivy League asshole has a great job.  It's because they knew other rich assholes before they even went to Harvard.  They get out of school and get a job at dad's firm.  Of course there's the 1% exception that earned their way, but if you're reading this blog it's probably not you.  You might as well have fun while wasting dad's money.  Go here:  Anywhere in California, Hawaii, Florida, Arizona, Carolina's, Georgia or University of Texas.  Don't go here:  Anywhere in the northeast, especially Providence College.  Feels good to finally get that off my chest.

9.  Going to an all-night diner and ordering the so-bad-for-you-it's-good pancake bonanza

10.  Making Saturday night plans on Saturday night

11.  Running around naked just because

12.  Babysitting so you can sneak your guy over and make out with him after the kids go to bed

Huh:  Ya, bring over your 30 year old cokehead bartender boyfriend to fuck after the kids go to bed.  That's not too creepy. 

13.  Enjoying low-budget '80's horror movies for pornworthy sex scenes. 

Huh:  Please find me one girl that can relate to this.  This is not true.

14.  Holding your breath when you pass a graveyard

Huh:  Feel free to continue doing this if you're a fucking idiot

15.  Making cookies for the sole purpose of eating the raw batter

16.  Playing spin the bottle

Huh:  You might as well put the keys in a bowl and fuck your best friends husband, because you've just entered the seedy underworld of swingerdom.  Adults can't just kiss people.  They're too fucked up with too much baggage. 

17.  Designing the cover of a mix-cd with a sharpie

18.  Flip cup-if you had room for it in your dorm, you have room for it now

Huh:  Two things.  I never played flip cup in my dorm room and if you live in NYC, chances are decent that your dorm room was bigger than your shitty little studio apartment.  That's unsettling isn't it?

19.  Always having a crush...even if you're in a relationship...even if he's the Jersey Shore look-alike at your gym who you would nevah date in real life

Huh:  Ya, that's what I want.  My wife having a crush on Vinny.  Where is this gym and why am I married to this person? 

20.  Dressing festively for holidays

21.  Wearing your hair in braided pigtails

22.  Rocking a scrunchie

23.  Drinking chocolate milk

24.  Prom.  Throw a theme party and work that old Delia's dress.

Huh:  It has always been a dream of mine to do the prom all over again, so if you're a high school senior and you're reading this and you need a date, I'm your guy.  I can't afford a limo or a tux, but I guarantee I'm funnier and, through years of trial and error, better at eating pussy than that handsome starting QB you've been masturbating to for three years.  Too much? (As a legal disclaimer, I would only be willing to engage in sexual activities with a person of legal age...Or if they seem or look old enough.)

25.  Playing Kickball

Huh:  Just don't get picked last again.  That would be a real blow to your self-esteem and take you right back to the days of getting stuffed in your locker.

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