The gym. The one place people of all genders, races, shapes, and sizes get together to become disgustingly sweaty and moist. Normally it’s a location of peace and equality. That is, until some douche comes and fucks it all up. If you want to avoid being that douche, and having everyone think, “Jeez, I would never call someone this word normally, but there’s just no way around it: that person is a douche,” then make sure you don’t do any of the below.
Use a machine, don’t wipe your sweat off of it, pull out a giant bottle of your own sweat you brought from home, pour the bottle all over the machine, and then loudly yell, “I make machines get WET!!!”
Take pictures of yourself flexing with your Hummer behind you outside the window parked in 3 handicap spots.
Snort protein powder off of an elliptical.
Take a Pilates class while wearing a full business suit and halfway into it answer your cellphone by saying, “Chaz here, what’s sick, my bro?”
Wear a tank top that says, “I WAS ON MTV’S THE JERSEY SHORE” on the front and says, “AS AN EXTRA IN ONE SCENE” on the back.
When someone’s using the bathroom, knock on the door and say, “Dude, other people wanna do reps on that toilet too!”
Put a Bluetooth headset into your ear before you deadlift and say, “It’s in case God wants to call and compliment me on my badass form.”
Tell everyone that you’ve never even had milk before, only Muscle Milk.
When someone falls on a treadmill, walk up to them and say, “In ancient Sparta, you would’ve been abandoned in the rocks as a baby for wolves to eat. I learned that in my favorite movie, 300. It’s the only movie I’ve ever seen.”