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August 16, 2017
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Please don't try these.

The gym. The one place people of all genders, races, shapes, and sizes get together to become disgustingly sweaty and moist. Normally it’s a location of peace and equality. That is, until some douche comes and fucks it all up. If you want to avoid being that douche, and having everyone think, “Jeez, I would never call someone this word normally, but there’s just no way around it: that person is a douche,” then make sure you don’t do any of the below.


Use a machine, don’t wipe your sweat off of it, pull out a giant bottle of your own sweat you brought from home, pour the bottle all over the machine, and then loudly yell, “I make machines get WET!!!”

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Take pictures of yourself flexing with your Hummer behind you outside the window parked in 3 handicap spots.

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Snort protein powder off of an elliptical.

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Take a Pilates class while wearing a full business suit and halfway into it answer your cellphone by saying, “Chaz here, what’s sick, my bro?”

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Wear a tank top that says, “I WAS ON MTV’S THE JERSEY SHORE” on the front and says, “AS AN EXTRA IN ONE SCENE” on the back.

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When someone’s using the bathroom, knock on the door and say, “Dude, other people wanna do reps on that toilet too!”

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Put a Bluetooth headset into your ear before you deadlift and say, “It’s in case God wants to call and compliment me on my badass form.”

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Tell everyone that you’ve never even had milk before, only Muscle Milk.

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When someone falls on a treadmill, walk up to them and say, “In ancient Sparta, you would’ve been abandoned in the rocks as a baby for wolves to eat. I learned that in my favorite movie, 300. It’s the only movie I’ve ever seen.”

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CrossFit.

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