I walked down North Jordan Avenue teary-eyed and distraught. Spiritually demolished and lightheaded from my meager breakfast of coffee, a banana, yogurt, almonds, and two sleeves of Hostess Donettes. Woe was me.
The conversation with the RPS staff member played over and over in my head:
“It appears you just missed the deadline for 2016 on-campus housing. For more information, you can check our weekly publication In Touch!” she had chirped.
Her crushing words swirled and distorted in my mind. Had she actually called me an imbecile, or had I imagined that?
Looking up from my feet and out to the campus, my destroyed heart suddenly made a small attempt at a pulse.
A realization. Are there not endless possibilities for on-campus living? Why, housing options abound all around us, friends! For information on every single available space left on campus, look no further. Here is your guide to all the enchanting locations waiting to become your home in August 2016.
- 1. IU Health Center
This lovely apartment complex is home to an eccentric community of what appear to be medical field enthusiasts. While many tenants have chosen adorable room themes like “reception area” and “hospital bed,” feel free to decorate your space however you choose! With caring neighbors and unique amenities—an on-site pharmacy? Counseling services? How charming!—you’ll never feel homesick again.
- 2. Shed
Ideal for School of Public Health students, this ½ bedroom has so much to offer: close proximity to HPER, a windowless, cement structure to keep out optimism and creative energy- not to mention a lending library of hand tools and gardening equipment! But the real draw of this majestic micro-home is the terracotta roof. With Spanish Colonial charm and unlimited access to all things Black & Decker, what more could you ask for?
- 3. Backstage/Closet of the Frangipani Room
This delightful storage space studio apartment is just steps away from IU’s world famous Frangipani Room. With these luxurious red velvet curtains, you’ll feel like you’re a celebrity—even if you’re a faceless nobody! You’ll also have exclusive, if muffled, access to some of IUB’s top acts. An improv troupe warming up? You’ll hear it first. A lecture series on the origin of the Zika virus? You’ll hear it first. A catered business conference stressing “synergy” and “co-opetition”? You’ll hear it first. Over and over. Jesus, how many times can these tools use the word synergy?
- 4. That Weird Middle Room Between The Hall and The Actual Bathroom In Woodburn
Why is this room here, you ask? To provide a place to stay for students that are getting desperate and are completely out of options, like yourself! The real charm of this home lies in the relaxing melodies that playfully saunter through the walls from the next room. Let yourself drift to sleep to the gentle, ocean-like sounds of students peeing after holding it for a 75-minute lecture. Who says Indiana isn’t paradise? Furnished with one trash can.
- 5. This Mysterious Chaise Lounge
Located on the first floor bathroom of Sycamore Hall, this cozy green number is the perfect fit for anyone that appreciates the fickle mysteries of life. Although it certainly does give off the aesthetic of a murder that happened in a therapist’s office, we can neither confirm nor deny that this is exactly how IU acquired the couch. We highly suggest scheduling a viewing so you can experience the exquisite comfort of sitting on exactly one box spring in person.
- 6. An Actual Pond
Finally, in the heart of ritzy neighborhood “Arboretum” lies a glamorous water-filled basin, perfectly inhabitable by IUB standards. Worried you’ll end up with a roommate that’s a little too toady? Don’t be! If you choose to call this alluring marshland your home, we’ll assign you to a roommate via an online questionnaire matching system. Don’t worry, the Pond Roommate Questionnaire Fee is already covered in your tuition.
Maria Bluck is a freshman at IU, majoring in God knows what. She is a member of Midnight Snack Comedy and you can follow her on Twitter @AiramAnnie.