Russian scientists recently extracted blood from a 10,000-year-old woolly mammoth carcass discovered frozen in the Arctic. It's believed that this discovery could lead to our one day being able clone an actual mammoth. This is a terrible idea and here are six reasons why:
1. Mammoth Memes
Look, we have more than enough annoying animal memes floating around the internet as it is. Our web surfing time is already a constant barrage of cats, sloths, llamas and Ikea monkeys in fur coats…Can you imagine the field day Buzzfeed would have with a NEW goofy-looking-yet-adorably-furry animal? No one would ever get any work done because we'd all be too busy clicking on "19 Mammoths Who Can't Even Deal Right Now".
2. Elephants Would Feel Bad
Think about it, how does this look to elephants? Talk about a slap in the face! By bringing back Mammoths, we'd be sending a very clear message to elephants that "hey, sorry but you're just not pachyderm enough for us anymore." And after all elephants have done for us! They've given us cool circus tricks, piano keys, Dumbo and something to call deformed men whose bones are later purchased by Michael Jackson. Face it, elephants have sacrificed everything for us humans and this would really be the ultimate "fuck you" to the poor guys. Are you prepared to say "fuck you" to an elephant? WITH ITS FLOPPY EARS AND EVERYTHING?!
3. It's Like Playing God or Whatever
One thing's for sure, if we bring back the mammoth, you can count on religious types being all sorts of up-in-arms about it…and do we really need to give these people yet another thing to be outraged by? Between gay people wanting to get married and women wanting to, I dunno, do anything, something like this would really put them over the edge. Don't a lot of these people not even believe mammoths existed? Can you imagine the rallies that would spring up after one of them shows up at their church (or worse, DOESN'T show up to church?) Who needs that?!
4. Look What Happened With Arrested Development
I mean, look, I'm just sayin'. Doesn't this whole thing feel a little familiar? Everyone thought it was a great idea to bring that show back; we talked about it, blogged about it and waited for it for years and then when it finally happened, people were immediately upset that it didn't live up to their sky-high expectations. Why would it be any different with mammoths? And what exactly would we expect them to do for us if we brought them back? Entertain us? Do tricks? Again, that's what ELEPHANTS are for!
5. Where Are We Gonna Put Them?
I hate to be a wet blanket here but they're not called "Mammoths" because of their manageable size. Where are we gonna keep them? The local zoo? Better start building that new wing now because the Songhua River Mammoth grew up to 17 feet tall, 30 feet long and weighed an estimated 10 TONS! And what about those giant tusks? I've got enough problems without having to worry about being impaled by one of those massive things on my way to the frozen yogurt store.
6. It's a Slippery Slope To a Real-Life Jurassic Park Situation
I can hear it now: "Hey, we've already cloned one prehistoric thunder beast, why stop there?" the smug scientists will say, laughing cavalierly over their bunsen burners. "What's the harm in bringing back a few other extinct species?" Next thing you know, we're living in a world where DINOSAURS from eons past roam free once more…Actually, that does sound pretty great. You know what? Fuck it, let's do this! Welcome back, mammoths!