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July 03, 2012

an advertisement for a funeral-themed, semi-rigid airship


Inappropriate Customs Ltd. (ICL) is now accepting rental applications for its line of funeral dirigibles. These light-weight airships are capable of hovering over any space – be it the parking-lot of a church, a funeral home, or a cemetery – blotting out the sun and casting such gloom as is necessary to maintain a proper level of despondent sadness at depressing events such as these. For an additional fee, ICL will have tarps printed depicting the likeness of the deceased person, draping them over the sides of their semi-rigid airships so that the dead might, just one last time, be able to cast an admonishing, spiteful gaze over friends and family. At additional cost, loudspeakers hanging from the operator's gondola can be made to play a selection of funeral dirges, slow funeral marches, or any music the surviving persons might want to listen to as they walk with halting, deliberate steps back to their individual automobiles before speeding off to the four points of the compass without ever needing to really speaking to each other, ever again. To offset the cost of rental, ICL suggests charging funeral attendees to take guided tours of the airship as it rises and descends above the assembled masses. Tours include a walk around the superstructure, a lesson in small engine repair, and a complimentary sick-bag for any person needing to vomit. Individuals interested in touring the dirigible should be prepared to climb rickety ladders, they should not be afraid of tight, enclosed spaces, and they should be non-smokers, since the helium that keeps these suckers air-buoyant is really, really flammable.


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