TUH-night. The Men. Tell. All.
And by tell. all. they mean Shout. At. Lee.
I hope this will feel as satisfying to watch as I think it will.
Let’s find out!
1) Recaps of recaps
Here comes the wildcat in all his glory. Harrison loves these “Men Tell All” shows. He sits by the woman they all want to be with and just rubs it in for two hours.
Let’s take a look at the most memorable Men Tell All moments. It’s full of the classic shaming and gay panic humor we all love about America’s Romance Factory. Also Chad He is such a fucking Chad.
We look back on a Ashley revealing the sex of her baby on Men Tell All. I hope that kid got an appearance fee.
2) Here come the men
The men get their intros. Dean is introduced and Bachelor Nation loses its mind.
A video package recaps the season. It’s like watching a video version of this column.
3) You and me could write a bad romance
Everyone talks shit on how much Blake obsessed over Lucas. Then they shit on Lucas. Remember that weird banana story?
DeMario, in talking about his buffoonery earlier in the season, teaches us two things:
- never text your side chick before 5:30PM
- if you have no ocular facts, then you can’t prove it happened
- ocular facts.
Thankfully the Wildcat always tapes his conversations. He tells DeMario there are arular facts of him dating that rando woman. Wonder if she got to meet Kareem.
Dean tries to come to DeMario’s rescue explaining that DeMario’s an idiot but he’s no dumbass. I think it’s Dean but he’s wearing a CAMO TUX so it’s hard to see him on the stage.
Iggy admits that he was the house snitch. He was never interesting because he was preoccupied remembering all the stuff other people said. Lucas calls him a joke which is like the pot calling the kettle a joke.
4) Kenny vs. Lee (Reprised)
What was it about Lee, Kenny? Nothing because Kenny was there for Rachel.
Everyone takes their chance to shit on Lee. The only person that defends him is DeMario. Is that a good character witness?
5) The Hot Seat
Hey did you guys know that Kenny was in the house to meet Rachel? Most people seem to think he was there to fight Lee.
Kenny tells us he thought they were friends while impersonating Lee. Go find this on YouTube.
Is Kenny aggressive? He responds by screaming at Chris Harrison then pulling Harrison’s arms off and using them to beat Lee to death.
Sorry, daydreamed there for a second. What happens is Kenny says no because he’s a father.
The guys all admit that Kenny was cool as hell. Kenny agrees.
Lee admits no one drug anyone out of a van. What a weird lie?
He admits he didn’t take the high road and apologizes. Kenny says “thanks but bullshit” because he saw the show too. Metaaaaaaaaaaa.
Chris Harrison does the best thing in the world and brings out Kenny’s daughter and now it’s her turn in the hot seat. Wildcat reveals they’re going to Disneyworld for her birthday! They are so cute together that I think the screen goes blurry? I don’t know, it’s hard to tell and suddenly my keyboard is leaking again because there are tears all over it. Shut up it does this all the time.
6) The Hot Seat Pt. 2
Lee says that everything that people don’t get about him is just his sense of humor. He’s just joking around! About black people! All the time!
Every black man on stage leans in on Lee because, right? Diggy is most pissed because he was eliminated before Lee. Now THERE’S a great question for Rachel.
Dean takes the lead and refers to social media about as Exhibit A in The Men Vs. The State of Lee the Racist Snek. It proves he milked the controversy for self promotion. Your witness, Mr. Harrison.
Chris Harrison shows us the tweets. Oh, the tweets.
It’s hard to hear what they say over Bachelor Nation’s cacophonous boos. Lee says he has a lot to learn but Kenny says people are only sorry when they get caught. Until then they’re as cool as a dude in a mismatching suit and vest combo.
Josiah gets up and gets up in Lee’s business asking why he’d come on a show with a black woman if he’s so racist.
Now DeMario is calling Lee a racist. Wasn’t this idiot just defending Lee 15 minutes ago?
Lee says he’s hurt hearing these things about himself but also acknowledges he’s been an asshole. Anthony gets his moment to talk, telling Lee about ingrained racism. It’s a passionate, eloquent speech that is actually pretty satisfying to see on national television. Way to go, you lantern-jawed raconteur.
Chris Harrison says “cut the bullshit are you a racist or nah.” Lee does some verbal gymnastics around apologizing. Sounds like someone either had some PR coaching or has a really smart lawyer.
He admits one tweet is straight up racist and Bachelor Nation cheers, their sense of justice satisfied. Meanwhile he said nothing litigious toward himself. What a snek.
The men accept his apology and he and Kenny hug it out. Kenny’s tie is wide and short. He’s dressed like Willy Loman.
Lee struggles with an apology to the men and then he apologizes to Rachel. See? After the first one apologies can be habit forming.
7) Deanie, Baby
Dean takes the hot seat but it’s hard to hear him over Bachelor Nation fainting.
He still thinks there wasn’t any disconnect between them. Bachelor Nation agrees. The front row falls out of their seats, they were hanging on his every word so much.
Chris asks about his hometown date, like, why would you show those people to America. Dean gives props to his family for appearing on the show.
Where’s his heart, where’s his head? Dean looks back on the experience as a positive. America loves him now and he’s single; the country is his oyster.
Wildcat reminds everyone that Dean will be on Half Naked Beach Bang Party Bachelor In Paradise. Bachelor Nation loses their minds.
8) Ladies and gentlemen, Rachel
Here comes the Bachelorette herself! Chris Harrison starts flirting immediately. He is shameless.
Rachel says she missed “some of them.” I bet she means Lucas.
Harrison jumps right into the Deanario. Rachel talks about how much she cried over the decision. I remember the day I had to throw out cookies that went stale. I spent an hour crying to Chris Harrison about it before tossing them out.
Rachel said she was falling in love with him then cut him a few days later. What is the deal with that? She did love him and Dean says “ok but–oh we’re almost out of time? I guess I’m okay with this.”
We talk about DeMario a bit. Rachel thinks he’s a dick. DeMario responds with a thumbs up.
Was race an issue? It never felt like it to Rachel until everything got so Lee.
Rachel gives exit interviews - Kenny should have handled his shit a little better. Then she leans in on Lee about everything. Lee apologizes again. He’s got a taste for it and he’s never going back. Rachel still takes a minute to own him. He’s finally learned how to shut up.
9) Lightning Round
Adam asks what he could have done differently. Rachel tells him she was never going to marry him. Or Matt. Matt wakes up and finally talks. What a suave dude; I can see what she saw in him now.
Fred sounds like he’s reading from a cue card. He must have been nervous. When he’s done everyone hugs him like he just won the Super Bowl.
Kenny gets the last word in. We never heard from at least five of these dudes tonight. To be fair Alex’s outfit spoke loudly enough for him.
10) We! Got! Bloopers!
Is this a real thing they yell on the tell all? Harrison really trying to sell this call and response here.
I mean, I guess so. Back in my day we called “Bachelorette bloopers” what they were - cheating.
A holdover until our finale. This is it gang.
Next week is the end of the road. One shall stand, two shall fall.
Will Peter realize it’s just a show and propose for the cameras?
Will Eric pull off the comeback of the year and win Rachel’s heart?
Will Bryan…dammit, it’s gonna be Bryan isn’t it?