Don’t even bother with Black Friday this year unless you’re willing to fully dedicate yourself to the real deals, which happen to begin at the butt crack of dawn on Thanksgiving Day. Trust me, you’ll hardly miss skipping out on Thanksgiving dinner when you remember that Boston Market is out there in the field with you, providing below average options of already below average foods centered around Turkey: the blandest Main Dish in the mother fucking game. ANYWAY, it’s only a matter of time before Thanksgiving is renamed Black Friday Thursday instead of Black Friday Eve as it’s currently referred to by die-hard BF-Heads such as myself. Not to brag, but: I literally wipe my fucking ass with the loads of cash leftover from each year’s savings. You can too if you simply adhere to the following guidelines:
Welcome to the big leagues. Aka The Black Friday Mecca. Kohl’s tends to have Black Friday vibes year-round due to the heinous amount of coupons handed out as bait in order to keep their target demographic of stay-at-home-moms’-who-pretend-they’re-still-in-high-school satisfied year-round. Prepare to wade through hoards of identical mother-daughter duos sporting the bedazzled boot-cut jean look of the seasoned Kohl’s shopper who’s known to live & die by the current Midwest fashion trends (aka whatever was trendy everywhere else circa 2006.) Tread lightly near the daughters as they’re likely on the verge of a public meltdown, usually only tolerating this joint Junior’s section jaunt so long as Mom is both funding and maintaining her MILF status with the high school football team. As you’d imagine, actual Black Friday at Kohl’s is a goddamn war-zone…. luckily Jessica Simpson’s Spring 2018 Line is certainly worth going to battle for if you fucking care about Discount Fashion at all. Don your most menacing Resting Bitch Face & join me on the front line: WE FIGHT AT DAWN (but actually midnight PLEASE TRY 2 KEEP UP).
Bring 2-3 jumbo-sized garbage bags because this is the store to fucking clean house. With clearance items upwards of 100% off it’s impossible to walk out of the place with anything less than a literal fuck-ton of clothing. Old Navy does it’s best to service every age & body-type making it the usual one stop shop for entire families dumb enough to spend Black Friday together AND single individuals with a vision and a goal to own the same exact shirt in every single color on the goddamn spectrum. I mean where else can you buy a 5XL canvas beach-dress to use as a tent at music festivals for a mere fraction of the already dirt-cheap original price? Hope you’re a fan of shitty flip-flops because they’re buy 1 get 10 free with a minimum purchase of 50 SO LET’S FUCKING GO. Time to make Old Navy your bitch because this Black Friday you’re a goddamn LEGEND. Don’t forget to take home a signature Old Navy mannequin family-member as a trophy. You earned it, Champ.
If you’re looking for an almost free 40-inch TV and a punch in the face by a toothless dumpster-mom (aka a reverse dumpster-baby aka a shitty mom who was abandoned by her kids in a Walmart ) for no additional cost, look no further than your local Walmart! It’s important to note the following hierarchy of the universal Mart Trinity so you can have a better understanding of just how many weapons of self-defense you need to have on your body prior to entering the Walmart premises: Target is considered the boujee version of Walmart which happens to be the slightly boujier version of a Kmart which happens to be a boujee version of the fucking 7th Ring of Hell. Pre-gaming with hard liquor/drugs is suggested prior to entering a Walmart at any given time. On Black Friday you’ll need to double the dose so you can numb your body and enrage your mind like a goddamn psycho so you’ll easily fit in with the standard Walmart shopper. If you’re a generally mild person I recommend upping the ante with a bath salt pre-game just to be safe. Time to eat some face and make this Black Friday one you won’t soon forget. Proud of u.
Any person who waits until Black Friday to purchase essential home appliances is likely a cutthroat bitch not to be fucked with. This year’s buy 1 vacuum get 1 free sale is sure to bring about crazed-eyed mothers’ determined to fill the vacuum less void in their adult son’s life so they’ll finally clean their dirty-ass apartments. Don’t even get me started on dad’s with their lawn-mowers and grills…we get it, cooking and cleaning OUTDOORS makes it manly af but I meannnn…just look at you flipping your cute lil burgers, with that sassy sexual innuendo apron. It’s honestly adorable how seriously you’re taking this. What a good little outdoor homemaker you are! Sorry.Amateur BF shoppers should steer clear of the veteran riddled Appliance section in favor of the barren wasteland known as the Sears Clothing Section where they’re practically giving away Kardashian Kollection cheetah-print faux-fur coats for free to anyone who’d like to be cloaked in literal Desperation.
Target is a safe middle of the road zone for first-time serious Black Friday shoppers. It’s not as lowkey as Best Buy (aka The Virgin Mecca) and it’s nowhere near as balls to the wall as Kohl’s (aka Hot Mom ThunderDome) or Wal-Mart (Trump Voters R’Us). Black Friday at Target is great for shoppers who’d like to accidentally purchase 50% off Maternity Wear only to find out that the size Medium you’re wearing is meant to be worn by a woman entering her Third Trimester of pregnancy so you should definitely quit bragging to everyone you know about how it’s the perfect fit – a common situation that many women can relate to I’m sure! Target’s target audience consists of privileged white sorority girls home for holiday break. They can be spotted by their identical cult-like obsession with brand heavy clothing that is almost always over-priced and ugly – i.e., long-ass North Face parkas, Vera Bradley bags ft. headache-inducing patterns , and the truly foul/infamous Ugg Boots which the Sorority Girl hive-mind fucking refuses to ever let die. Fear not, the mobs of OG Basics will surely fall like fragile bowling pins as you barrel through Black Friday with your insatiable thirst for deals that must be quenched. Stay Strong, Warrior.
Hoping for 3% off the latest Apple thing? Look no further than Best Buy: where the deals on electronics seem shitty to average people but are a jizz-worthy steal to that group of nerds from your high school who’ve camped out front every Black Friday since the dawn of the iPod in 2005. Best Buy is great for the leisure Black Friday shopper who’s probably a single straight male in their 30s who just lowkey wants to get out of the house for a bit…financially stable enough that they’re in no desperate need for a deal but socially unstable enough that adult-companionship from strangers is a nice change of pace from the Reddit MILFs in r/gonewild who never care to accept their virginity they’ve so kindly offered via PM, Best Buy is a thrilling public outing & comforting oasis to lonely men who need it most. IMHO, make this your last stop only if you have time to kill or your phone is in need of juice because they got chargers out the ass. Rest easy & recharge, my fellow comrade.
This list may look daunting but you must remain steadfast and remember that trash can lids double as shields if you forgot to pick up your literal armor like a goddamn rookie. Also there’s a strong possibility you might actually die because maniacs are still allowed to buy assault rifles and conditions are ripe for a mass shooting given that it’s been over a week since our last one so we’re prettyyyyyy fuckin’ overdue! Feel free to get your Black Friday shopping done via the internet instead if you struggle with being a pussy ass bitch or are a sane rational human who’s genuinely frightened to go outdoors in Trump’s America. But, as a seasoned BF Head YOU KNOW I’m willing to die for them deals!!! Happy Black Friday y'all, I’m straight up possessed by consumerism and also probably Satan who fuckin’ knows ha ha.