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Published December 18, 2013

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"Look son, your mother just wants to know why you're not clogging the shower drains."

CHAMPAIGN, IL-Despite routinely bursting into his bedroom unannounced, local parents Jim and Shelly Blonsky are experiencing immense worry for their son after realizing they have not yet physically caught him masturbating. “Both of us are very concerned for Nathan’s well-being. This kind of behavior can’t possibly be healthy for a growing boy,” said Jim Blonsky about the lack of stains he and his wife have found around their son’s bed and computer chair. “We don’t know what do to. We’re just hoping that he’s jerking off either at school or over at a friend’s house, since he’s clearly not getting busy with himself here.” At press time, the Blonsky’s were in a rush to beat their son home from school in order to download a few porn viruses on his laptop in the hopes of giving him the little push he needs.

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