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13 Funny Votes
3 Die Votes
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Published July 23, 2011


AH YES WHAT SUMPTUOUS PLATYPIES I OBSERVE SWIMMING IN THE POND

THEY ARE PURPLE AND ELEGANT AND HAVE NOT A SINGLE MISGUIDED HAIR FEATHERAGE

OH WHAT I WOULD GIVE TO SWIM AMONG THE PLATYPIES, SO SUMPTUOUS THEY ARE

WHY MUST I BE CONSTRAINED ALONE HERE ON LAND WITH MY SO SINGLE-AND-ILL-PURPOSED FEET?

THE PLATYPUS CAN ENJOY ALL THE EARTHLY PLEASURES OF THE OCEAN AND THE SAND AS I CANNOT

WALKING ON ITS WEBBY FLIPPERS OR GLIDING THROUGH THE WATER WITH ITS OILY BEAVER TAIL, WHICHEVER IT PREFERS

AND A BEAK SO SHINING AND BLACK AS THOUGH CAVIAR COULD BE SERVED FROM ITS DELICATE TIP

YES, YES INDEED I WOULD GIVE EACH FOOT I OWN TO SWIM AMONG THE PLATYPIES!

THE PLATAPOOS AS SOME CALL THEM, SOME WHO ARE NOT QUITE RIGHT IN THE HEAD

BUT I, BEING OF SOUND MIND, CALL THEM BY THEIR PROPER LATIN PLURAL: THE PLATYPIES!

THERE IS ONE IN PARTICULAR I WISH TO BEFRIEND MOST PASSIONATELY OF ALL…

HER NAME IS GWENDOLYN. SHE IS THE MOST BEATIFUL OF ALL THE PLATYPIES.

OUR LOVE IS UNDYING AND PURE, THOUGH SHE HAS NEVER KNOWN ME IN THE BIBLICAL SENSE.

I WISH TO CHANGE OUR RELATIONS AND BENEFIT HER OVARIES IN THE MOST SPLENDID AND PROLIFIC OF WAYS!

BUT HER FATHER DOES NOT RECEIVE ME KINDLY FOR HIS DAUGHTER! THE INFATUOUS NATURE OF MY SOUL HAS STIRRED IN HIM A GROWING HESITATION. OUR LOVE IS FORBIDDEN IN HIS EYES!

NOT, THOUGH, IF I SWIM TO HER AT NIGHT, WHILE HE IS ASLEEP.

MY PLAN, I HAVE THOUGHT IT THROUGH, AND WITH ITS FRUITION, GWENDOLYN SHALL BE MY BRIDE!

THE SKY IS DARK, THE STARS HAVE RISEN; I SNEAK INTO THE POND WHILST HER FATHER IS ENTHUSED IN SLUMBER.

I HAVE ATTACHED DIVING FLIPPERS TO MY FEET AND A PLASTIC BILL UPON MY CHEEKS SO AS TO CAMAFLOUGE MY IDENTITY AMONG THE PLATYPIES

I WADE INTO THE WATER AND GWENDOLYN APPEARS IN THE DISTANCE, GENTLY PREYING ON A LEECH

HER SUMPTUOUS SCENT BECKONS ME FURTHER

AS I APPROACH, I CALL OUT TO HER IN ECSTASY, “GWENDOLYN, WE MUST JOIN AS LOVERS!”

SHE RECEIVES MY CALL WITH STARTLEMENT. I FEEL A SPUR FROM HER FOOT DIG DEEP INTO MY LEG

THE GNASHING SENSATION IS SEVERE. I GASP IN BEWILDERMENT.

“GWENDOLYN!”, I IMPLORE HER IN DESPERATION, “I BESEECH THEE! IS OUR LOVE NOT TRUE?”

SHE SWIMS AWAY FEARFULLY. I FEEL MY BODY GROW WEAK AS HER VENOM TRAVELS MY VEINS.

MY SOUL CRIES IN CONFUSION, ANGER, DEJECTION…

THERE IS NOTHING MORE I SEE AS MY EYES GROW HEAVY

I FALL BACK BELOW THE WATER, LOSING ALL SENSATION

MY TRUE LOVE, THE DELICATE GWENDOLYN, HAS REJECTED ME. SHE HAS TORN A HOLE IN MY FOOLISH HEART!

AND NOW WHAT PAINS ME MORE THAN THE VENOM FROM A THOUSAND PLATYPIES’ SPURS

THIS POISON A MERE BRUSH ATOP SUCH ANGUISH!

IS HOW I SHALL DIE A LONELY MAN, SUBMERGED BELOW THE WATER

DENIED MY SUMPTOUS PLATYPUS.


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