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February 27, 2015
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Elle from "Love Kabob" proposes some Oscars for regular people.

Sunday’s Eighty-seventh Academy Awards Ceremony was, in fact, televised. I’m just letting you know because ratings would suggest that none of you watched. Last weekend, you and I actually missed the lowest-rated Oscars since 2009. Why aren’t we interested in watching beautiful, rich people alternately congratulate and snub each other? I have a theory.

We, as a society, have become too self-centered. The Oscars have nothing to do with us, so we carry on with our lives as if they don’t exist. We don’t know any of these people, and so we tune them right out – the poor, underserved Movie Star Minority. Since we, the huddled masses, don’t appreciate nice things, I think the Academy would do better to stoop to our level. Instead of an awards ceremony for people we aren’t pretty or rich enough to know, we should have many smaller awards ceremonies for our smaller lives. After all, there are moments when each of us transcend the ordinary – just for a moment. Those triumphs deserve recognition. I would like to propose “Oscars For The Rest Of Us.” Some suggested categories are as follows:

Best Friend

Best Coworker

Best Spouse (The debate over this category will be heated, but doesn’t the person married to Best Spouse really win?)

Best Costume Design (Halloween)

Best Costume Design (Laundry Day)

Best Redirection of a Conversation After An Old Person’s Bigoted Comments

Best Deflection of a Drunk Person’s Romantic Advances

Best Technical Achievement in Figuring Out the Bartender’s Tip After Your Seventh Drink

Best Technical Achievement with a Filter on Instagram

Best Performance as a Diet Expert While Repeating Advice You Read on HuffPo (#Thrive)

Best Performance as a Foreign Affairs Expert While Repeating “Information” You Picked Up on Homeland

Best Performance as a Serious Adult When Confronted with a Swearing Toddler

Best Performance as an Interested Person When Cornered By a Bride, a New Parent, a “Pet Parent,” or Someone on a Cleanse

Best Performance as a Bigger Person When, Seriously, “I Told You So” Would Have Been Totally Appropriate

These are just a few ideas for your local awards ceremony. Of course, each regional academy can create their own infinite number of categories – depending upon the audience’s interests (which are, of course, themselves). There’s nothing wrong with copping to a little self-regard. We can’t all be as evolved as Hollywood.

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