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November 02, 2015

If you've never seen a joggler, you've missed your chance because they are now banned from the NYC marathon.

The New York City marathon was this weekend and 50,000 people took to the streets, running through all five of the city’s boroughs. While the atmosphere was filled with determination, accomplishment, pride, and lots of bloody nipples (sorry, but true) there was something notably missing: jugglers.

Well, no, excuse me, jogglers is the correct term. Jogglers are people who juggle as they jog and by “jog” I mean, run over 26 miles in an impressive amount of time. But this year the NYC marathon banned jogglers from their passion and said that the small bean bags used to juggle are on the list of forbidden contraband along with sleeping bags, pets, and drones. (I’d question why any of those things are even on the marathon course, but then ultimately remember, I do not understand the inner workings of a marathoner’s brain.)

While it’s easy to hate on a marathoner for being proud of accomplishing an incredibly hard and impressive thing, for some reason my cold witchy heart feels bad for these athletic clowns. What a stupid thing to love doing. It’s so stupid in fact, that it’s stupidity has inverted upon itself and it’s now downright beautiful and perfect. Yes, joggling is perfect.


Michal Kapral holds the world record for fastest marathon joggling time and probably like, world’s friendliest neighbor.

Jogglers are people who find joy, above just posting a very self indulgent Facebook post, from running a marathon and decide they are going to do a cool party trick the entire race, too. Literally one of the jogglers upon finding out he would not be able to joggle said, “But what I’m really disappointed about is the kids. They love to watch me joggle.”

Yeeesssh. That’s a bean bag right to the heart, if ya ask me. Also, from some light research, it seems like jogglers are cartoonishly good people. The last world champion joggler is a Harvard Divinity school grad. The current world champ is passing on this goofy art to his young daughter who practices every day in their backyard. And we are all sitting here silently as these hyperboles of cheery and energetic people are stripped of their essence. Meanwhile, runners with selfie sticks get to take 1,000+ profile pics during the entire race.

So, while I am not a joggler because juggling and running more than one mile are both physically impossible for me and sound legitimately un-fun, I support those crazy kids who love to do it. I doubt they would stand silent if watching five hours of an HGTV renovation show while tossing caramel popcorn into my mouth hole was suddenly banned. We need to take care of each other in this scary world. I stand with jogglers (as they run and juggle.)