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May 03, 2016
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Bitcoin Creator’s Rough Drafts For Other Forms Of Currency

Craig Steven Wright, a computer scientist from Australia, has recently identified himself as the elusive creator of Bitcoin. While the digital currency that is Bitcoin has been relatively successful, as far as creating new currencies go, Wright actually has attempted to invent new currency systems many times before. Probably because he thinks paper based currency is “basic.”

Below are the alleged Bitcoin inventor’s notes on his other currency replacement ideas.


Beans as currency?

Kidney_beans.jpg

Notes:
-Different kinds of beans (pinto, black, kidney, etc.) would work as different denominations.
-Biggest Bean = Most Valuable Bean

Pros Cons
-Fits in pockets. -Can get slimy/mealy.
-Scrumptious -Scrumptious
--Fits easily in to modern currency lexicon (“I’m 2 beans short,” “This Mt. Dew costs HOW MANY beans?!” etc.). -Would make eating beans seem ridiculous and beans are a big part of chili, my favorite meal.
-Fun to count.

Verdict:
NOT FEASIBLE: There are too many cans of beans currently selling for way less than what one single bean would be worth. Plus, currency should not be so delicious or nutritious.


Starbucks gift certificates as currency?

Screen Shot 2016-05-02 at 6.17.14 PM.png

Notes:
-Assumes all businesses will be/contain Starbucks by the time this gets up and running.
-Possible but not likely, given current lawsuit of Starbucks getting sued for too much ice.

Pros Cons
-There are already enough out there = Simple transition. -Too much plastic = Bad for Earth.
-Conveniently sold at all Walgreens. -Credit Cards are kind of already doing this.

Verdict:
NOT FEASIBLE: Kind of like a dog-chasing-its-tail solution to our current currency situation.


Dinosaur bones as currency?

Edmontosaurus_pelvis_left.jpg

Notes:
-Biggest bone = Most valuable bone.
-Need to watch out for large bird bones being used as counterfeit money.

Pros Cons
-Already inherently valuable -Tough to tell difference between Dino bone and worthless old Chicken bone to naked eye.
-Pretty fucking cool. -Lots of holes everywhere from people digging for bones.
-Museums will instantly climb out of debt. -Might hurt chances of future science bringing full-on Dinosaurs back.

Verdict:
PRETTY CLOSE TO FEASIBLE: Theoretically this all works perfect. Only snag is I still haven’t found a Dino-bone and I’ve been looking for at least three days now.


Very genuine hugs as currency?

pexels-photo-45644.jpeg

Notes:
-Most genuine hug = Most valuable hug.
-Tough to concretely define “genuine” but, ultimately, when you know, you know.

Pros Cons
-More people hugging (and meaning it!). -Eliminates online shopping.
-Might turn sexual. -Might turn sexual.
-Goodbye hugs make goodbyes PROFITABLE! -You HAVE to hug the guy you buy loose cigarettes from when you get home too late and the corner stores are closed.

Verdict:
FEASIBLE: Imagine Hugs were Money…it’s easy if you try.


Homemade electricity as currency?

Teslova_cívka_v_provozu.JPG

Notes:
-Specifically, electricity generated from pedaling a stationary bike.

Pros Cons
-Creates more sustainable energy for the Earth! -Sweaty-ass millionaires.
-Can get in some exercise and watch daytime tv shows all while making money. -People will have to quit their jobs to make money which doesn’t make sense or seem sustainable.

Verdict:
NOT FEASIBLE: We’d have a lot of electricity but nothing else :(


Reciting Prince lyrics as currency?

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Notes:
-Most obscure Lyric = Most valuable lyric
-Making guitar sounds with mouth = Double value
-Reciting Chappelle’s Show’s Prince sketch lines = Even value

Pros Cons
-Values individuals familiar and enthusiastic about Prince as a vital cultural figure. -Inability for payer's to stop dancing while paying will drastically hold up lines.
-Paying for something makes you horny. -Everybody getting horny all the time.

Verdict:
NOT FEASIBLE: Too many lyrics will lead to too drastic inflation because of the vault.


Monkeys as currency?

05_MONKEY-SELFIES_-Crested-Macaque_copy_8col.jpg

Notes:
-Unsure if they must be living (Is this insane? Sleep on it.).
-Different types of monkeys (Baboon, Marmoset, Spider, etc.) are worth different denominations.
-Biggest monkey = Most Valuable Monkey

Pros Cons
-Monkeys are hard to find and catch thus preventing inflation problems. -Do not fit well in pockets (except the EXTRA adorable ones).
-Tough to spend = Would help people save. -Once acquired, tough to contain.
-Not many pros for this one. This was a bad idea/never really had a chance. -Will it stop at monkeys (humans, elephant tusks, leopard coats, etc.)?

Verdict:
NOT EVEN CLOSE TO FEASIBLE: Hopefully no one finds these notes because just considering using an animal–let alone one that smiles, feels pain, and cares for its offspring–as currency should be illegal and I should be locked up in jail.


Do you have any ideas for what would work as a currency? Let us know in the comments.

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