Why I think I'm divorced

- One  night, as I sat on the couch flipping through the channels on the television, my wife sat beside me and asked, "What's on the TV?"
- I said, "Dust."

- Once, coming home after a long and exhausting day at work, my wife pretty much demanded that I take her somewhere expensive.
- I took her to the gas station.

- As our anniversary was approaching, my wife began hinting that she'd like something shiny that could go from 0 to 150 in seconds.
- I bought her a new bathroom scale.

- We were lying in bed watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire when I suggested, "Hey, let's fool around."  She said, "I don't want to right now."  I said, "Is that your final answer?"  She mumbled something that sounded like "yes."
- I said, "I'd like to phone a friend."

- One afternoon, I brought my wife a couple of Tylenol while she was sitting on the couch reading one of her magazines.  She said, "What are those for?"  I said, "They're for your headache."  She responded, "I don't have a headache."
- I said, "Good.  Let's have sex."

- It was that dreaded time of the month and my wife was looking at herself in the mirror.  She said, "God!  I'm getting old.  I look fat.  I feel ugly."  I knew she was fishing for a compliment.
- So I said, "At least your eyesight is still good."

-  On a recent fishing trip, my wife dutifully packed my clothes for the trip.  When I returned three days later, she asked, "How was the fishing."  I said "I didn't catch a thing." Then I told her that she forgot to pack my underwear.
- She said, "I put them in your tackle box."

- At a restaurant recently, since my wife was still perusing the menu, the waiter asked me for my order.  I said, "I'll have a porterhouse steak, cooked very rare.  In fact, just walk the cow past the volcano on the way to the table."  My waiter said, "Aren't you worried about Mad Cow."
- I said, "She can order for herself."

Just a couple of the reasons I think I'm divorced...