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July 14, 2016
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Oh sorry, I meant to write Pence but his homophobia led to a typo and it's too late to go back and change it.

Listen, full disclosure: I had every intention of writing Pence, but due to his consistent opposition to gay rights, I subconsciously wrote “penis” and I was too lazy to change it. And just so you know, I had every intention of writing an informative article, giving you all the vital facts about Trump’s reported VP pick.

But then I wrote “penis” instead of “Pence” because I was thinking about his numerous displays of homophobia while governor of Indiana. You see, what’s funny – and follow me here – is that his name is similar to the very thing that he opposes. Well, I guess he doesn’t oppose penises as organs meant for reproduction, just penises that come into contact with other Pences.

Ho brother! I did it again. Boy is my face red!! And if you were wondering, my delete button is in fact working and I am fully capable of locating it on my keyboard. But c’mon, we all know that’s not going to happen. You see, Mike Pence, a man who tried to pass a law legalizing discrimination against same-sex couples, has a name that’s oh so close to “penis.”

Look:

Penis. Pence.

If you glanced at this article you probably wouldn’t know the difference; try writing penis and pence on your wall or officemate and then look real quick. They probably look the same! You can see how I could have made a mistake, especially when the man in question was likely called “a little penis boy” as a child.

I can’t prove that, but then again, nobody can.

Also, while we’re here just casually talking Mike Pence — we’re friends, right? Like we can just chat like we’re in a Starbucks or Long John Silver’s or something — I’d like to point out how grateful I am that he and Trump are joining forces. Let’s take a step back and look at a timeline:

  • Trump spends majority of his campaign stoking fear amongst straight, white men.
  • Days after tweeting out an anti-semitic image, calls for racial harmony and togetherness
  • Chooses a running mate with a history of denying said harmony

What a time to be alive!

Anyway, what was I talking about? That Pence/Penis thing? Ah yes. That was a typo I made and then wrote an entire article about.

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