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August 01, 2017
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Moving on from healthcare reform, here's what Congressional Republicans are going to focus on next.

With the GOP’s multiple attempts to repeal the Affordable Care Act ending in failure, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell has said it’s “time to move on” to other items on the Republican agenda. Those other agenda items include:


• Passing a sweeping tax reform plan called the No More Tax for All Americans Forever Act that eliminates all taxes for the seven richest Americans and triples them for everybody else.

• Telling each and every American child that there is no Santa Claus.

• Got a sandwich? Texas senator John Cornyn is going to take a big bite right out of it and then toss the rest on the ground.

• Giant loudspeakers will be installed in every neighborhood in the country. Then each Sunday evening, right before Game of Thrones starts, Mitch McConnell will personally spoil the episode by saying what happens over the loudspeakers.

• Banning chocolate in all of its forms.

• Kicking crutches out from underneath people with broken legs.

• Conceding its inability to repeal it on a national scale, GOP lawmakers will focus their efforts to repeal Obamacare by taking away the health insurance of only former president Barack Obama.

• Building a wall on the border with Mexico, and then another one 10 feet in, and then another, and then another, and then another. Then another.

• They’re going to all get together and binge-watch The Handmaid’s Tale. They’ve heard it’s the feel-good hit of the year!

• Allocating $400 million to lobby People to name Paul Ryan the Sexiest Man Alive.

• Scheduling more recesses to allow GOP members of Congress to return home to their districts to play Candyland with their grandchildren and cheat.

• The Veterans Assistance Act of 2017 would give military veterans the financial help they need by paying them the full annual salary of a soldier, which is only fair because they’ve all just been re-activated and enlisted as soldiers into a war to be named later.

• Taking away a woman’s right to choose to wear anything besides ankle-length dresses.

• Gerrymandering until they pass out.

• Converting every Planned Parenthood into a Free Viagra for Old Men of Congress franchise.

• They’re going to create more than a million new jobs! These jobs will be for security guards stationed outside of bathrooms who will ask what gender you are before allowing you to use “the correct” bathroom.

• Issuing more thoughts and prayers than ever before.

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