Ted Nugent was quietly threatened with unceremonious decapitation today, after meeting with the Secret Service, fulfilling something of a self-fulfilling prophecy paradox. The Secret Service say it was most likely the work of shady Columbians, but this account is disputed, as is pretty much anything they have to say anymore in their own defense. Those making the threat said that his severed head would be impaled on a pike and his body would be used as an exercise trampoline by Oompa Loompas, a race of people from Loompa Land, south of Armenia, bordering the Caspian Sea. Loompa Land was once entailed in a horrific ethnic Civil War involving Horn Swagglers, Rotten Vernicious Kinids and the Swangdoodles. The Oompa Loompas as you know, were beaten, tortured and eaten in the Great Loompa War. Corporate slavery was obviously a preferable option to this state of affairs so the philanthropic offer of employment from Willy Wonka was accepted as an improvement to the conditions they had to endure in the old world. Wonka, a legendary CEO in the candy world, apparently has a working relationship with the Obama administration, explaining the otherwise absurd non sequitur reference to Oompa Loompas in such close proximity to the Secret Service interrogation in the Ted Nugent investigation.