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October 09, 2009

Remember Bum Fights? It was a great new sporting sensation that swept the nation in the early 2000’s, involving real live bums fighting each other for the chance to win real alcohol and shit inside real toilets. Here, take a look:

It’s hard to believe some people find that degrading. I mean, they’re bums?? Why would anyone care if a couple bums got a little exercise before getting liquored up?? It’s not like people really care about bums anyway. Most people walk by bums everyday without saying so much as a friendly, “hello.” If people in this country really cared about bums, they wouldn’t stop Bum Fights – they’d stop people from becoming bums in the first place. But sadly, the authorities put an end to Bum Fights shortly after the Bum Fighting Federation, or BFF, was created.

The good news is that I discovered a whole new mixed-martial art combat sport that’s even better than Bum Fights. “Better??”, you say. That’s right! It’s called Baby Cockfighting and it involves real toddlers viciously battling it out over the chance to win a binky, cookies, or extra play time. Check out the glory:

Isn’t it beautiful? There’s nothing as thrilling as watching a couple shirtless, hick babies punching each other in the face. Unfortunately the Baby Cock-Fighting Federation, or BCFF, is still having to jump through bureaucratic hoops as it waits to get its licenses so a lot of their fights are being held in underground playgrounds, sandboxes, and McDonald’s.

Because of that, I’d like to set up a “play-fight” for  late December. I’m going to be in Maine for Christmas and I have a couple of nieces who can really kick ass -- and one of them is a real bruiser -- so if anyone out there in the New England area thinks they have any babies that can bring the pain, please contact me through Funny or Die and we’ll set up a match.