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August 16, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

In Britain, Prince Philip has been hospitalized again for a bladder infection. Like Britain at the Olympics, he hasn't been seeing as much gold as he was hoping for.

The mayor of Dallas, Texas, has declared a state of emergency due to the spread of the West Nile virus. However, with proper support, the mayor remains confident they can shoot every mosquito in the city.

Ron Howard will direct a documentary about Jay-Z and his Made in America Festival. Here's Howard now at the hip-hop music fest. Or: Jay-Z wanted the whitest director possible but a snowbank wearing a baseball cap was unavailable.

On Tuesday night, Rudy Giuliani questioned if Joe Biden “has the mental capacity to handle” being president. "He said what?!" said Biden, knocking his Legos to the floor.

Actress Kristen Stewart will not be allowed to reprise her role if a sequel to "Snow White and the Huntsman" is made after saying she cheated on long-time boyfriend Robert Pattinson. Because Hollywood takes fidelity very seriously.

Paul Ryan traveled to Las Vegas this week to meet with casino mogul and conservative donor Sheldon Adelson. If that leaves you with a strange taste in your mouth, imagine how Paul Ryan feels.

The 112th Congress is getting set to become the least productive Congress since 1948. Keep in mind, the 85th Congress consisted entirely of off-duty bus drivers and Strom Thurmond.

At a campaign stop, Mitt Romney called Barack Obama "angry and desperate." Adding, "I don't understand how Americans can relate to him."

A judge in Pennsylvania upheld a new law requiring voters to show valid ID at the polls. At least he appeared to be a judge. No one knows so we should probably assume the worst.

JPMorgan and UBS have been subpoenaed as part of an investigation into manipulating the LIBOR, which is used to set the interest rates on trillions of dollars in contracts such as mortgages and credit cards. "How could they get away with this?" said one of 12 non-rich people who knows what LIBOR is.

A Hungarian politician known for making anti-Semitic remarks discovered recently that he's Jewish. Which explains the anti-Semitism.

The band Devo is working on a song about Mitt Romney tying his dog to the roof of his car. They say it'll be great for road trips.