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August 02, 2012
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Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

The New York City Housing Authority has nearly $1 billion in federal funding it has yet to spend on housing developments. A real challenge in an era where no one is homeless.

Electricity in India has been restored after a blackout that affected 10 percent of the world's population. Keep in mind, the last time that much of the globe was instantly affected by something electric was when Adele released her first album.

At the Olympics, eight badminton players were expelled for apparently losing on purpose. Truly putting the "bad" in "bad players."

In response to the restaurant chain's anti-gay marriage stance, Mike Huckabee declared Wednesday to be "Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day." A real improvement considering he used to celebrate it every week.

Meanwhile, gay rights advocates are planning "Kiss Mor Chiks" for Friday, encouraging same-sex couples to kiss at nearby Chick-fil-A restaurants. That'll show those teenage boys working part-time--you work hard enough and eventually lesbians will make out in front of you.

According to the State Department, terror attacks have dropped from 11,641 to 10,283 following the death of Osama bin Laden. Said the State Department, "Just 10 more Osamas and we should be all set."

Authorities are investigating seven reports of airline passengers finding needles in their food. However, they've hired the best airline food investigator around, Stereotypical Impression of Jerry Seinfeld.

In St. Louis, a 12-year-old was Tasered by a police officer when the child intervened in her mother's arrest. Authorities have called the incident inexcusable since the little girl wasn't ruining "The Avengers."

Author Gore Vidal died Tuesday night at age 86. Largely a disappointment to his parents, as they clearly wanted a son who worked in the horror genre.

In Texas, Tea Party-backed candidate Ted Cruz won the Republican primary for U.S. Senate. Supporters say they can't wait to see all the work he refuses to do.

Microsoft is rebranding their Hotmail email service. Current users will have their old @hotmail.com accounts automatically transferred to @iamagrandparentoravoidingyou.com accounts.

The nonpartisan Tax Policy Center concluded that Mitt Romney's tax plan would "provide large tax cuts to high-income households, and increase the tax burdens on middle- and/or lower-income taxpayers." Too bad Obama's a Islam.

 

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