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July 10, 2008
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Who’s Going to Apologize to Patsy Ramsey?

Jim McPartland

www.funnyordie.com/jbmcpart

 

Right before I saw the news poll story yesterday, Channel 12 reported something that sent shivers up my spine and made me feel guilty. Guilty because like most American news watchers, I believe what’s reported. I always assume they have their facts straight and report in an unbiased fashion. Fool that I am. They’re supposed to be factual reporting journalists. I know FOX News is slanted to the right- and they really don’t pretend they’re not. So I run away from Bill O’Reily like the plague or a $10 hooker.

When all of them report the same story- in the same fashion- I figure they’ve done their homework and I should make a judgment after I’ve heard what I think are the facts.

I’m so wrong about that, I think even OJ may have been innocent.

The whole self doubt thing starts when I hear that conclusive DNA evidence just revealed, tests unavailable at the time, indicate that John and (the late) Patsy Ramsey have been cleared of the murdering their daughter JonBenet..

Everyone, including myself, figured they were guilty as sin.

Here’s some background to refresh your memories-

JonBenet, a 6 year old beauty pageant entrant (that’s an oxymoron, isn’t it?) was found murdered on 12/26/96 (nice Xmas present, huh?) in the basement of the Ramsey’s 15,000 sq. ft. home in Boulder, Colorado. She was covered with a blanket, wrists tied and all kinds of other demented shit. Whoever did this was a sick fuck. There were signs of sexual abuse. She was 6. If anyone reading this is attracted to a pre-puberecent female, PLEASE check yourself in to the local hospital. I love women, but that’s totally fucked up.

The late Patsy called 911 early that morning to say JonBenet had been kidnapped. A rambling 3 page note that the authorities thought Patsy had written was found. It wasn’t John. Could be Patsy. Her mother. Could be. Wrote the note. Been very ingenious if she raped her, too. An overbearing mother, living vicariously. Might do that, right?

The Ramseys went on national TV to proclaim their innocence. But we didn’t believe them. There seemed to be loopholes in the alibi. More importantly, the media picked up on Patsy’s so called ‘obsession’ with JonBonet and her Little Miss Beauty Pageant lifestyle. We watched- said ‘how can you make a 6 year old look like a 2 bit whore by applying mascara and enough eye shadow to sink the late Tammy Faye Baker on a 16 ft. boat?’

The first month, everyone thinks the Ramseys killed their own daughter. They vehemently deny it. In ’97, they were still ‘under suspicion’. They had no other subjects to throw blame on.

Soon afterwards, the Ramseys became guiltlingly silent. In retrospect, they understood that feeding the media fodder would only make things worse- because the media are prihanas masquerading as more educated forms of the ‘National Enquirer’. They just want stories that sell papers and get web vierwship. ‘Who cares of what we’re reporting is true? It’s ratings and awards. We don’t care if lives get ruined, it’s about selling ad space.’

To escape media pressure, but really just added to it, the Ramseys moved to Atlanta and buried their daughter.

There were no signs of true forced entry. It took hours between the initial call from Patsy until JonBenets' body was discovered- by her father. Everyone, including an older brother who also became a suspect, was home that night. It did sound screwy that while they all slept upstairs, someone got in (or was already there), took JonBenet from her bed and dragged her to the basement to torture her. No cries for help were heard.

And now, 12 years later, DNA evidence clears the Ramseys conclusively of the crime.

Samples taken from the poor kid’s leotards and panties now say she was murdered by a still roaming the streets ‘third ‘party’.

Patsy Ramsey died of cancer ion 2006, before she theoretically heard that news. I pity her soul.

The Ramseys had limited their talks with authorities. Why? Well, now we know. If they were to feed the media frenzy, despite now being proven to be innocent, they’d twist their words- make them look guilty. Because that’s what sells papers. Prime time ‘Entertainment Tonight”. Patsy entered JonBonet in all kinds of pre teen beauty pageants. Patsy was jealous. So she killed her. What soap opera or ‘MSNBC Investigates’ could draw more vierewship than that?

Patsy died of cancer in ’06. Knowing she had nothing to do with her daughter’s death. We now know she was right. Do you think the stress from all this might have caused her body to become weak and susceptible to disease?  Yet when she died, nary a tear was shed. Because we were brainwashed into thinking Patsy was guilty. A nice red ribbon on top of the gift that we’d figured it out what was inside before we opened it by shaking it and drawing a mental picture. The Sherlock Holmes that we’ve all come to be.

I’m sorry, Patsy. I hope you are in heaven with JonBenet, waiting for the motherfucker who’s still out there. He’s probably going to Tuesday Night Bible classes and acting as an accountant by day in Denver.

He’ll get his day. In the meantime, please forgive us for caving in to sensationalism news and making judgments before we know all the facts.

Thank goodness for DNA. Rest in peace Patsy. Sorry.

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