The Funny Or Die NYC office started drinking at 9 a.m. We’re pitching articles drunk, and then writing those drunk pitches even drunker. We have a few D.E.‘s (designated editors) to make sure we don’t spill Guinness on our laptops or forget to actually upload the articles we’ve written to the site.
This is a real thing we’re doing. See below for both the self-imposed rules for today’s very important creative exercise and an ongoing update of how things actually went.
Rule 1. All writers must arrive at the office by 8:45 a.m.; first shots of Jameson taken by all at 9 a.m. sharp.
Rule 2. For one hour (9 a.m.–10 a.m.), writers must drink (Guinness encouraged as a chaser, but for maximum efficiency Bailey’s and coffee and/or Jameson neat is encouraged).
Rule 3. Pitches begin at 10 a.m. These must be drunk pitches. Drunk enough to make bad choices. Drunk enough that the little person inside your brain who normally censors you from saying a bad idea out loud is too busy peeing on a wall in broad daylight to stop you.
Rule 4. Writers must continue to drink during pitch meeting from 10 a.m.–11 a.m.
Rule 5a. Writing of articles begins at 11 a.m. Writers must continue to drink as they write. By 11:30 a.m., all writers must be drunk enough that they no longer want to participate in this exercise and instead just want to watch nature videos of lions fighting wildebeests and/or take a nap under the desk in the conference room and/or go home. But, importantly, they must not do these things.
Rule 5b. Writers should also be drinking water throughout the day. Practice safe drinking, friends: Alternate one unit of alcohol with one unit of water.
Rule 5c. Writers should do a whippet or two throughout the day if they feel so inspired. Whippets for recreational purposes are legal in some states and we’re pretty sure that New York is one of them!
Rule 6. Starting at 1 p.m., the D.E. (designated editors) will begin to post articles as they are completed. D.E.s must also encourage continued drinking throughout the day. We could also think of D.E. standing for “designated enablers.”
Rule 7. Starting at 2 p.m., if writers have not finished an article yet, they will be required to take a shot of Jameson.
Rule 8. Starting at 3 p.m., if writers have not finished an article yet, they will be required to shotgun a Guinness.
Rule 9. Starting at 4 p.m., if writers have not finished an article yet, they will be required to take a sip of the old bottle of V8 juice in the back of our fridge that we forgot we had.
Rule 10. At 5 p.m., we’ll take a look at what we’ve done and realize that this was a horrible, horrible idea.
Those are the rules! Check back throughout the day to see our progress, updated below. Be safe and have fun today, friends!
HOW THINGS ACTUALLY WENT TODAY
9:15 a.m. First shots happen 15 minutes late.
10:23 a.m. We realize that we are 20 minutes late to start our pitch meeting. A large group of writers are watching a nature video of lions attacking wildebeests.
10:41 a.m. The pitch meeting starts 40 minutes late. We play a music video of Danzig’s “Mother.” Drunk writer Zack Poitras (five drinks in) remarks: “Man, it would be so cool to play an electric guitar without your shirt on with confidence. It would also be cool if GIFs could be posters.”
10:51 a.m. The pitch meeting has not actually started yet but everyone is now in the conference room at least. Progress! Shots of Jameson in tiny paper cups are passed out to all writers. We spend five minutes figuring out how to put a photo of our editor-in-chief Dan on the monitor. Writer Zack Poitras (six drinks in) remarks: “Man, Dan’s chest hair looks amazing.”
10:57 a.m. We decide to take a group photo.
11:00 a.m. One hour late and we haven’t started pitch meeting. Writer Matt Klinman (four drinks in) puts on a video of his college band, Sex Piano, playing their rock opera, Dance Floor.
11:05 a.m. We all agree that Klinman’s college band was awesome.
11:08 a.m. Pitch meeting begins.
- Poitras: video of someone throwing a big exercise ball into me and then I fly into the boxes.
- O'Brien: can we do dumb iPhone videos?
- Klinman stands in front of the “FU” part of our “FUNNY OR DIE” sign and says “Fuck You.”
- Pitch meeting continues:
- Taub: I drunkenly try to very seriously explain the Israeli elections.
- Scollins: at Bieber’s roast they made a bunch of Paul Walker jokes and Comedy Central edited them all out, so we could guess what all the jokes were.
- Scollins: sincere post about how he doesn’t really want to be drinking today but wants his coworkers to think he is cool
- Scollins: Robert Durst, please kill my step-father
- Scollins: order exotic animals to eat from online butcher shop
- Scollins: everyone has to post the youngest person they’re honestly attracted to (Klinman amendment: could be celebrity or non-celebrity)
- Scollins: Vine where I show my dick
- Scollins: pour Jameson in a McDonald’s Shamrock Shake
- Scollins: op-ed “I’m sorry, but girls would be prettier if they smiled more”
- Poitras: for something that isn’t work related, I need to make a whale masturbate (unclear if this was a pitch or what)
- Poitras: I’ve been thinking about flashlights a lot lately.
- Poitras: Maybe we go out on the balcony and look outside and say what’s beautiful.
- Nelson: I think the parade will go right past us on 5th Avenue, so maybe live-blog the parade from six floors up. I learned this from a bus announcement.
- Klinman: We make a float about how you can fuck animals now.
- Klinman: This year’s best straight floats.
- O'Brien: We do an office leprechaun hunt
- Poitras: I thought leprechauns were real for way to long. I would make traps and try to catch them up until I was 11 or 12.
- Klinman: Shark Facts, but we spell “facts"like "facks.” But it’s all real shark facts, but the whole time we spell it “facks.”
- Klinman: I just go on 4chan and also Japanese 4chan and see what happens.
- Poitras: We should get a drone. It would be so fun.
- Mayer: We could get a flying shark.
- Harris: I also agree we should get a flying shark, to ease our way into drones.
- (we take a break to watch a video of a flying shark)
- Pitch meeting continues:
- (note: our boss sends us a message to create a separate channel for all of our drunk articles; a vote of confidence in our pitches so far?)
- Klinman: a drunk podcast? I just want to be in the recording booth and drink.
- Poitras: do we have a budget for today?
- O'Brien: Should we
- Nelson: a flowchart for if you should wear a heavy coat or not?
- Harris: There is already an app that does that. It’s called Sweater Weather.
- Nelson: Well, mine would have goofs.
- Klinman: I do genuinely believe we should have one language. It’s fucking insane that we don’t. I agree that we lose things, but the pros outweigh the cons.
- Maggio: I disagree. I’m going to write a drunk counterpoint to your article.
- Klinman: Fuck you, dude.
- Harris: I want to write a list of errands that I got done while everybody else was drinking.
- Nelson: I want to write a counterpoint to Scollins’ op-ed that girls should smile more.
- Scollins: I don’t really believe that.
- Poitras: We order food, but when the delivery guy comes, we all pretend we are dead or asleep, and we film it secretly and get his reaction.
- Mayer: Maybe we should use this new app called Meerkat to tweet a live video stream of what we’re doing?
- Mayer: Do we want to do a video of drunk Klinman on the street talking to drunks on pub crawls walking around New York City?
- Dern: Me and Poitras play Super Strikers on GameCube and do commentary like PewDiePie.
- Poitras: I go get a haircut today. I’ve never gotten a haircut drunk. It might be fun.
- Flowers: That Alicia Keys song “Falling”? Everybody loves that.
- We get distracted by a looping video of an astronaut and we debate if the astronaut is flying up or falling down:
- We attempt to return to pitch meeting.
- People are talking about lunch.
- Articles Editor Pat O'Brien makes the call that the pitch meeting is over and that writers should go write!
11:42 a.m. The pitch meeting comes to an end. The writers are told to go write! We plan on returning for a check-in meeting in a few hours.
12:17 p.m. People are upset that the pizza isn’t here yet. Abby sends out a pizza GIF to make us feel better, but for some of us it just makes us hungrier.
12:38 p.m. Maggio puts his laptop on top of O'Brien’s wireless keyboard and doesn’t realize it for a while. It fucks some stuff up. They report this to D.E. Dern and ask him to update the update, but Dern says he isn’t sure this story will really translate that well. They apply peer pressure and D.E. Dern acquiesces.
12:40 p.m. The pizza gets here and we’re all the happiest we’ve ever been.
12:45 p.m. Klinman opens up a window we’ve never opened before because it has a little note on it that says “Do Not Open.” Nothing bad happens, but we close it anyway because we’re scared.
12:46 p.m. Drunk writer Mike Scollins (5.5 drinks in) publishes the first drunk article of the day!
Check it out here: “An Article From A Guy Who Doesn’t Want To Be Doing This Right Now.”
“It’s not even noon (at least as of the time I’m typing this. Who knows when it’ll go up) but it’s not even noon and I’m already pretty drunk. I’m an adult, you guys. It’s Tuesday. I hate St. Patrick’s Day. Everyone who celebrates this day is a fucking idiot. Sorry, for the language. We started at 9am and I’ve had a few. Plus I ASSUME if you’re reading this you don’t like the holiday either cause you’re at your computer right now instead of barfing Bud Light on some chick’s tits or whatever.”
12:59 p.m. Drunk writer Zack Poitras (8 drinks in) found this giant tube and is playing with it. We have no idea where we found it.
1:09 p.m. A giant exercise ball has been duct taped to the tube. Drunk writer Matt Klinman is explaining to drunk writer Zack Poitras how to pole vault. Klinman’s college pole vaulting personal best was 13’ 3", which he tells us is pretty good.
1:20 p.m. Drunk Article #2 is complete from drunk writer Jenny Nelson (5.5 drinks in)!
Check it out here: “A Flowchart About If You Should Wear A Coat Or Not.”
1:21 p.m. Drunk writer Mike Scollins realizes that we wrote the name down of who pitched what during the pitch meeting. He says, “Some of those pitches were just jokes.” Drunk writer Jenny Nelson replies, “It’s a funny website, Mike.” General consensus is that Scollins was “owned.”
1:33 p.m. Drunk writer Melinda Taub (5+ drinks in (an Irish coffee had a ? amount of Jameson in it)) publishes Drunk Article #3!
Check out Melinda’s “A St. Patrick’s Day Guyde to The Israeli Elections.”
Hey guys. I’m Jewish in the house but a little bit Irish and a LOT irish today because I’m like 50% Jameson.
So I thought I woudl tell you guys some real nrews this week about what is going on with somethign legit importent>: The Israeli elections.
So He’re’s the deal. There is an election is Israel today. The incumbent candidate for prime minister is Binyamin Netanyahu, Popularly known as BIBI. he has been big news in the America press for a number of reasons!
This is the first time that published author Melindahas ever turned anything in with any typos, let alone something with one million typos.
1:34 p.m. Drunk writers Melinda Taub and Jenny Nelson announced they are going to go get supplies to do St. Patrick’s Day manicures.
1:36 p.m. Sober writer John Harris requests that we play OG Maco’s “U Guessed It.”
1:40 p.m. Minds are blown that this is what mild-mannered Harris listens to in his headphones all day.
1:53 p.m. Drunk Article #4 is complete from drunk writer Jason Flowers (“a whole bunchof Jameson in my large Dunkin iced coffee” drinks in)
Check out Jason’s “17 Green GIFs I Drunkenly Collected And Guarantee Will Get The Most Views.”
2:01 p.m. Drunk Article Editor Pat O'Brien proposes that we have a check-in meeting and do some shots. We all agree that we should do this. Somehow instead we end up singing along to The Misfits song “Where Eagles Dare.”
2:07 p.m. It seems that everyone has forgotten about the check-in meeting. There is an increase in the frequency of people saying, “Somebody should do a whippet.” It seems unlikely the day will end without at least a few whippets going down.
2:08 p.m. Drunk Art Director Nate Maggio (“yeah” drinks in) tells the office to stop asking him to play songs on the Apple TV connected monitor. “You all have iPhones, I’m not the only one who can do this.” The office collectively replies that nobody else knows how or cares to learn how and it is his job. In a show of protest, Maggio plays Temple Of The Dogs’ “Hunger Strike.”
2:24 p.m. Sober writer John Harris publishes Drunk* Article #5! (*This article not written drunk)
I’m the only sober person at work today, so in a lot of ways, it’s surprising that I’m also the only one brave who’s enough to say this: we need to end the racist, appalling St. Patrick’s Day tradition of “Green Face.” Maybe you’re in the camp that thinks painting your face green and having a few drinks on St. Patty’s Day is just a wee bit o’ harmless fun. Well, you couldn’t be more wrong. At best,this attitude reveals an appalling ignorance of the long, sad history of Leprechaun-Americans. At worst, it’s an intentional, hateful slur, intended to subjugate an already downtrodden group.
2:27 p.m. Drunk Article Editor Pat O'Brien discovers that drunk Art Director Nate Maggio changed the cursor on his laptop to be huge. We all agree this is the funniest thing that’s ever happened.
2:29 p.m. Drunk Article #6 published by drunk writer Matt Klinman (“going strong” drinks in).
Check out: “Drunk Article #6: Shark Facks (From Memory)”
Hey guys, I love sharks and here are my Shark Facks that I can remember.
Shark Facks (From Memory)
Sharks have denticles in their skin. Like little teeth that are their skin
Stop talking about how sharks
At one time sharks were everywhere.
Sharks have what’s called the Ampullae of Lorenzinni which are these little pores fullled up with a jelly that helps them feel electrical impulses. last I heard, and please correct me as to the actual science, but these are used to detect the electrical impulses of far away fish that are hurt (which I guess “feel” different then fish that are alive) EITHER/OR?BOTH the impulses of fish the shark is currently trying to eat but are TOO CLOSE for their eyes to see.
2:39 p.m. Giant cursor prank strikes again and it is still the funniest thing that can possibly happen.
2:44 p.m. Drunk Article #7 from drunk Art Director Nate Maggio!
Check out: “I’d Like My Face On The Homepage.”
2:46 p.m. Drunk Video Director Matt Mayer (4 drinks in) walks on his hands.
2:55 p.m. Drunk writer Zack Poitras finishes Drunk Article #8!
Check it out: “Drunk Article #8: !0 New Words For You To Use To Sound Smart.”
Blusterfoosh - Noun) Scottish slang for “sneeze.“Aye, I hear a blusterfoosh is, like, one-eighth an orgasm.
Boothpup - a kid raised on the idea that John Wilkes Booth was a hero. noun. Eng. Nown. Johnny, I don’t like seeing you play on the playground with all those fuckingBoothpups.
Moontit - (nuno) when a male or female’s nipple can only be seen by moonlight. Even through the dense fog, Mary knew amoontit when she saw one.
3:08 p.m. We discover a half eat pizza left in the communal pizza box. Nobody owns up to it.
3:11 p.m. Sober writer Jesse Neil does a whippet for the first time in his life.
3:14 p.m. Drunk writer Jason Flowers publishes Drunk Article #9.
Check out: “When You’re Drunk Chandler Sounds Like Chandelier.”
3:22 p.m. Peer-pressured-into-being-drunk writer Mike Scollins publishes Drunk Article #10 of the day!
Check it out: “I Really Like College Humor.”
— - a very sincere Mike Scollins
I think people assume we don’t like each other but it’s not true. A ton of my friends have worked there over the years and they’re all really talented and cool and have gone on to do great things. I think Precious Plum is one of the fucking funniest web series I’ve ever seen. Also when I was on a UCB House Team they let us use the conference room for writers meetings for free.
3:25 p.m. Drunk Art Director Nate Maggio owns up to being the one who ate half a pizza and put it back in the communal box.
3:27 p.m. Someone figured out how to play Tool on the Apple TV and I hate it.
3:28 p.m. D.E. Nate Dern takes a break from updating this post to play Super Striker on GameCube with Poitras.
3:46 p.m. D.E. Nate Dern and drunk writer Zack Poitras win the Mushroom Cup at the Professional difficulty level playing as Luigi in SuperStriker.
3:47 p.m. Drunk Video Director Matt Mayer creates Drunk Article #11 (maybe?)! Also, it’s not an article, it’s a video. It’s of Zach’s head as a basketball. Watch it:
4:19 p.m. Drunk Article #12 posted by Drunk Articles Editor Pat O'Brien!
Check it out: “Why No One Blaze Da Herb Today? By Ganjaman 4:20 Boy.”
Saint Pat’s day is, as we know, all about the wearin’ of da green: but I must ask: “wherein" is the smokin’ of the “green?” if you catch my meaning. As ruler of all things ganja, it is my solemn duty to spread the message of 4:20 across the calendar to all other holidays, which of course includes this holiest day of getting ripped up: Saint Patty Boy day of the Emerald Aisle. EXHALE.
4:20 p.m. Very cool drunk Articles Editor Pat O'Brien and Art Director Nate Maggio celebrating a certain time of day.
4:23 p.m. St. Patrick’s Day manicures are complete!
4:28 p.m. Drunk Article #14 complete! This article is actually a video confession. Remember earlier when drunk writer Zack Poitras found a tube that we didn’t know why was in the office? Well, turns out there was a reason and use for that tube. While sober office manager Josh Brown was out, drunk writer Zack Poitras and sober writer john Harris destroyed a piece of equipment that we need. Watch the video for full explanation.
4:36 p.m. Drunk Article #15: A video in which Matt and Kyle and Zack make good use of the thing Zack and John broke that we needed
4:39 p.m. Drunk writer Mike Scollins spotted sleeping in our boss Dan’s office.
4:46 p.m. Sober writer John Harris completes Drunk Article #16! I think he might be trying to tell us something with this one.
I don’t drink, so while everyone else here was getting hammered, I took the opportunity to run some errands. Here’s what I did:
Went To The Post Office On 27th Street
Went To Birch Coffee On 27th Street
Thought About Getting A Haircut At Roman’s Barber Shop On 31st Street
Went To JHU Comics On 32nd Street
4:58 p.m. Drunk writer Melinda Taub completes Drunk Article #17! In this article, Melinda describes a video that made her cry. It looks like though Melinda wasn’t able to figure out how to embed or link to the video, so you’ll just have to use your imagination for what the video was like.
Check it out: “I Legit Watched This And Cried A Little.”
Listen. This is not some Upworthy shit. I’m not trying to trick you into watching it.
I cried because:
I am still a little bit intoxicated.
Jesus Christ, this is the worst.
This is not a video about some touching shit like a deaf baby hearing for the first time or whatever. It is about a lady who just wanted to work hard and manage a business, and she caught her TRUSTED ASSOCIATE of FOURTEEN YEARS jizzing in her coffee, and she realized in retrospect it was not the first time.
5:05 p.m. Drunk writer Zack Poitras jokes about jumping off the balcony.
5:10 p.m. I discover my favorite Facebook comment from when we posted that we were spending the day doing this:
5:12 p.m. Drunk writer Matt Klinman mentions that his shoe is missing. Office points out he has only been wearing one shoe for hours. Drunk writer Matt Klinman might be the drunkest of our writers today. Good job, Klinman!
5:14 p.m. Drunk Article #18 completed by drunk writer Jenny Nelson!
5:43 p.m. Drunk writer Mike Scollins admits that he wasn’t excited about today but he ended up having a nice time. See everyone? Peer pressure saves the day yet again!
5:44 p.m. We notice that drunk writer Jason Flowers has been gone for hours.
5:45 p.m. Sober writer John Harris reports that drunk writer Matt Klinman is having some technical difficulties attempting to record his podcast, “Tool Time” about how awesome the band Tool is. I think we now know who was playing Tool on the Apple TV monitor earlier.
5:53 p.m. Drunk writer Jenny Nelson announces as she is leaving for the day that she is going to a reading of “poetry and writing and stuff.” Drunk writer Mike Scollins responds, “That sounds like bullshit and stuff, but good for you.”
5:54 p.m. Drunk Art Director Nate Maggio says, “Fuck Drake and his whole lazy crew. His beats are recycled and derivative.” Mike Scollins responds, “But when Chris Brown hit Rihanna, Drake hit Chris Brown in a club. So he’s cool. The ends justify the means.”
5:55 p.m. Drunk writer Mike Scollins opens a beer. He says this will be his last.
5:56 p.m. Drunk Article #19 completed by sober* writer Jesse Neil! (*sober except for having done a lil’ whippet about five hours ago). Jesse is the newest member of the FOD NYC office staff and we’re glad we’ve been able to show him our professional climate. Dear FOD HR department, please note that nobody was forced to do this today!
Check it out: “St. Patrick’s Day At My Old Job Versus At Funny Or Die.”
Hello, my name is Jesse Neil and this is my second week at Funny or Die. Before this I was a Sales Comparables Analyst at a Commercial Real Estate Trending and Forecasting Firm. Below is a breakdown of how I spent St. Patrick’s Day at my two most recent places of employment.
Sales Analyst Position –Arrive promptly at 9:00 am and commence online research for market activity in Southeastern U.S. markets.
FoD – Walk in at 10:20ish to find a mountain of beer and Jameson is being slowly consumed and has been since 9ish.
6:15 p.m. Drunk Article #20 from drunk writer Zack Poitras (note that Zack’s name is spelled with a “k”, but in the above live update it is possible that I spelled it incorrectly with an “h” at times). Some drunks get belligerent, but drunk writer Zack Poitras gets poignant in this article about things he thinks are beautiful.
Check it out: “All Of These Things Are Beautiful.”
6:17 p.m. We drank all of the Jameson and all of the cans of Guinness, but we seem to have overestimated how much Bud and Bud Light we would drink today:
6:20 p.m. An untouched cheese pizza except for someone who put a bunch of toothpicks in one slice.
6:21 p.m. After an hour in the podcast booth, drunk writer Matt Klinman and crew emerge with “Tool Time” in the can. Klinman commences to edit the podcast, which will be our final post of the day.
6:22 p.m. Faithful office manager Josh Brown dutifully cleans up our stupid mess. Earlier when asked if he was doing okay, Josh responded that he had “checked out.”
6:35 p.m. Drunk writer Matt Klinman, sober writer John Harris, drunk Articles Editor Pat O'Brien, and soberish D.E. Nate Dern remain. Klinman remarks, “Man, people were in a hurry to get out of here.” Harris responds, “Well, it was a solid 9 hours of drinking” and then heads out himself.
6:37 p.m. Klinman and O'Brien endeavor to figure out our SoundClound account information so we can upload the podcast and go home. This is proving an impossible task. Tensions are running high.
6:53 p.m. The office is quiet and sobering up. “Tool Time” is slowly uploading itself into existence.
7:05 p.m. At long last, the “Tool Time” podcast has uploaded and is ready for your listening pleasure. “Tool Time”, while not an article per se, takes the slot of Drunk Article #21 and also brings us to the end of our drunk content creation. Check it out below (fun fact: the first 2 ½ minutes Klinman, Mayer and Harris don’t appear to realize that the recording has started).
7:07 p.m. In a twist ending that nobody saw coming, prodigal drunk writer Jason Flowers has returned to the building!
7:14 p.m. And with that, Funny Or Die NYC’s Drunk Writing Day 2015 comes to an end. We created 21 pieces of content, which is way more productive than we usually are. Once the bar of inhibition has been lowered, things like “proofreading” or “writing a second draft” or “thinking of an idea that is actually worth sharing with people” are no longer things that matter to you as writer, and you find yourself far more productive. Was today a success? Well, we ignored most of the rules we set out for ourselves at the start almost immediately. But success isn’t about following the rules. It’s about finding a way to have your employer pay you to drink during at work on St. Patrick’s Day. And by that measure, today was a resounding success.
Thanks for reading! Drink responsibly (for real!), be safe, and have fun out there, kiddos!
Addendum: The Next Morning
11:04 a.m. More than half of our Drunk Writer participants from yesterday have made it in. Art Director Nate Maggio pointed out that it is cool that we created 21 pieces of content, the legal drinking age. You know, like, symbolic. It was also pointed out that all of the Drunk Writers had a secret e-mail thread going yesterday about how to prank the sober folks in the office, but nothing ever materialized. Drunks: Great At Ideas, Bad At Execution.
We have no regrets.