Craig “Better Person Than You” Spenser:
Craig Spenser, a Doctors Without Borders volunteer, is confirmed as the first case of Ebola in New York City. New Yorkers have been urged to not panic, and to continue their normal routines of screaming and pushing each other out of the way.
Green from Green:
A report from GreenWave Advisors predicts that if all states legalized marijuana it could be a $35 billion industry by 2020. Most people were shocked to learn that selling drugs can be an incredibly lucrative activity.
You Can’t Keep Detroit Down (It Does That Fine on Its Own):
Michigan governor Rick Snyder signed a law banning Tesla from selling directly to consumers in the state. Snyder said he remains committed to making the type of financial decisions that have made Detroit into the city it is today.
Denver Broncos player John Boyett has been cut from the team after punching a cab driver in the face and demanding that police “call John Elway.” When asked what may have gone wrong with the clearly mentally unstable Boyett, his parents explained he had been hit in the head as an adult.
Bye Bye Boo Boo:
TLC has canceled “Honey Boo Boo”after reports that Boo’s mother “Mama June” was dating a convicted child molester. Because if there’s one thing a little girl hanging out with a child molester needs, it’s privacy.