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May 02, 2017
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"What if my stomach skin isn't, like, elastic enough?"

1. WHAT IF MY STOMACH SKIN ISN’T ELASTIC ENOUGH?

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What if the fetus grows hella fast and my stomach flesh can’t keep up? Will the baby eventually burst through my abdomen like the Kool-Aid man except that’s not Kool-aid it’s blood and I’m now dead?


2. WHAT IF I HAVE AN ASSHOLE BABY?

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And he won’t stop kicking me or bouncing on my bladder cuz he’s a little shit and thinks it’s hilarious when a grown woman pees her pants in front of everyone and I can never show my face in that Dunkin’ Donuts ever again?


3. WHAT IF I FORGET I’M WITH CHILD AND GET SAUCED ONE NIGHT CAUSING THE BABY TO HAVE MENTAL DEVELOPMENT ISSUES FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE?

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Or like an extra toe or something? Seriously though, there’s a big possibility that I’ll accidentally drink 14 bottles of wine while pregnant because old habits are hard to break.


4. WHAT IF THE BABY DECIDES TO FUCKING EAT MY INTERNAL ORGANS?

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What if it mistakes my heart for my placenta and just goes to town? Or what if my baby is a picky eater and determines that my right lung is more palpable than my placenta, and just switches it up like it ain’t no thang? And babies are dumb as hell so it wouldn’t even realize that it’s sabotaging us until it’s too late and we’re both dead.


5. WHAT IF THE BABY COMES OUT ALL WEIRD AND I PANIC AND DON’T WANT IT?

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And no one wants to adopt it because of that weird extra toe…and what if all the dumpsters are full? (Before you judge me just know that I’m simply trying to provide the best life for my child meaning that I’d rather my baby live in garbage than be raised by garbage.)


IN CONCLUSION

I’M NOT READY FOR KIDS ANYTIME SOON BUT I’M A SEXUALLY ACTIVE ADULT WOMEN SO PLEASE DON’T DEFUND PLANNED PARENTHOOD?? DAMN I DIDN’T EVEN MEAN FOR THIS TO BE A PSA IT JUST CASUALLY SPIRALED INTO ONE DUE TO THE UNDERLYING CONSTANT PANIC THAT COINCIDES WITH THE POTENTIAL REALITY OF HAVING AN ACCIDENTAL PREGNANCY REGARDLESS OF HOW CAREFUL I AM – I MEAN WOMEN HAVE GOTTEN PREGNANT WHILE MINDING THEIR OWN BUSINESS ALONE IN A HOT TUB – GOOGLE THAT SHIT – ANYWAYS LET’S WRAP THIS UP BECAUSE NOW MY ANXIETY IS THROUGH THE ROOF LMAO WHEW HAVING A WOMB IS LOWKEY EXHAUSTING AS HELL AMIRITE LADIES??

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