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Published June 05, 2008

I'm sure you're just like me. Sick and tired of being sick and tired of illegal immigrants. Can't they all just be born here like everybody else? I mean, HELLO! Try being born in NEW Mexico next time. Dumbass.

Let me start over. I just got done reading/being inspired by this other dude's blog and he had some really insightful, intuitive things to say about the cure for illegals. This part blew my mind:

"Bush wants us to cut the amount of gas we use. The best way to stop using so much gas is to deport 11 million illegal immigrants! That would be 11 million less people using our gas. The price of gas would come down. ??Bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the border. When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Iraq. Tell him if he wants to come to America then he must serve a tour in the military. Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it."

How did we go so long without thinking of this? The answer was right under our nose all along!

This solution was so fantastic, it challenged me to do some long overdue thinking of my own. And now I've come up with an even better idea for combatting illegals:

Build a 10,000 foot wall around the entire border of the United States.

I know. You're slapping yourself on the forehead right now. It's almost too easy! And if we start today, the 10,000 foot wall will be completed by some time in 4012. I realize that 2,004 years is a long time but think of it this way; we'll be awfully glad in 4012 that we got started in 2008. Awfully glad and completely safe.

Sure, we'll never see the ocean again but it's a small price to pay for not having to watch another illegal float here on a raft from Cuba. The last thing we need is another expert paddler who can't speak English.

This way the terrorists can't get to us either. What are they gonna do? Fly planes into a 10,000 foot wall? GOOD LUCK WITH THAT! It's going to take a whole lotta planes to bring down a 10,000 foot wall! And let's say you do break it. What next? I'll tell you what next, nothing, cuz you're dead from the crash into the 10,000 foot wall. Idiot.

So you can thank your ol' pal Merch for heretofore unseen but obvious conclusions on how to fix our biggest problems.

I'm cooking up a doozy for global warming (teaser: it involves nuking the sun). Til then, grab a brick and help me build this wall dammit!

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