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Published August 31, 2009 More Info »
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Published August 31, 2009

Do I think that the way I speak, write and generally communicate is better than you? No. Do others think same? It's possible. Who am I to say?

The point: Notwithstanding the fact that I am 29 years old, I talk like an old man who was taught to speak by another old man who, in turn, was taught to speak by another old man, with each old man in such old man teaching chain being a highly educated old man, naturally. Truth be told, I was not taught to speak by old men. In point of fact, I grew up on Long Island, NY until 6th grade, and, therefore, learned the oratory arts from a collection of nasal-voiced, shoulder-padded (forgive them, it was the 80s), Roosevelt Field-going lady teachers. Despite such upbringing, however, I now talk like Madonna's speech coach save the fake British accent.

And, while some might think that my vocabulary choices make me a snobby, pain in the ass (as was my high school principal, who boasted of his Columbia University education at every opportunity), I strongly aver that such choices make me a complete and total delight.  Couple same with the sing songy affected speech pattern that I've got going on to boot, and I'm a sparkling addition to any dinner party. Should you similarly want to shine like Orion's Belt over cocktails, implement the following tips:

(1) Commit the following words and phrases (along with their uses) to memory, each of which have been used above: "same", "notwithstanding", "to boot", "to be sure", "naturally",  "such [blank]" and "in point of fact".

(2) Go to law school. This is the best and fastest way to add a much needed "element of pompous" to your talking life.  It worked for me!

(3) Before you respond to a query, think, "How might Andy Rooney phrase this reply?", and respond accordingly.

(4) Listen to Spanish language songs that have been translated into English, and phrase your sentences similarly.  The awkward structure is charming.

To be sure, we all can't have amazing hair (which, by now, you now know I have), but that's no excuse not to talk with all the confidence of a perfectly coiffed stunner.

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