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May 12, 2016
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Spoof of Bono's so-called altruistic do-gooderism.

Now that People are winning Nobel prizes for well, nothing…ala Seinfeld’s “nothing,” why should rock be shut out any longer? It’s outrageous!

There is one Bono Hewson, he sings songs for a merry music makers known as U2. Hewson has been the subject of a worldwide grassroots campaign to have him nominated for the very prestigious Nobel Peace Prize. If it ever comes, it wouldn’t surprise me if Bonobo turned down the offer from the Nobel committee.

Bono feels he deserves more, and why wouldn’t he? He is a celebrity after all and as such, he is entitled to more as we all know. And I, for one, believe that he should get everything that is coming to him.

Very private and secretive about his philanthropic activities, he summoned just a few reporters to his estate to explain his position. At last count, 1,267 reporters from 112 nations from all over the world were there. 17 news stations carried it live in their home countries. A dozen helicopters and two UFO’s from Alpha Centauri circled his estate. He made his statements backed up by his band and a 25 woman chorus line from the Rockettes. This was all his shyness and sense of propriety would permit.

“I no longer seek the Nobel prize for my great, unselfish works of tremendous significance and all-around wonderful liberalness. I believe that God, yes that’s right, God himself should replace Jesus with me so the people would have somebody that’s new, hip, happening. I mean after all, the old boy’s 2,000 years old now, let the bastard sleep, he’s earned it. God, I’m ready anytime you are.”
Then Mr. Hewson took a very large swig of beer and joined in the middle of the chorus line as he and the Rockettes all kicked their legs in unison to the tune, “We are the world.” Nearby, stone statues began to shed tears. Cold-hearted, mean corporate business men all fell to their knees and begged him for forgiveness. He said he’d think about it.

Mr. Hewson then broke into one of his sensitive and caring songs about the downtrodden and all the things that are wrong with this terrible, icky world. Now all the reporters and camera people were weeping. He then walked over to the airstrip on his property and flew off in his solid “Silver and Gold” Lear Jet. Yes, it was real gold and real silver, the plane barely got off the ground. But it was touching when he blew us all a kiss out of the port side window. One of the Rockettes was with him, apparently they were comparing notes on how to save humanity, or something like that.
Instead of the Nobel, I’d like to nominate him for the quite prestigious Big Tearful Ultra-caring Righteous Do-gooder award, or, as it is more commonly known by it’s acronym, The Big T.U.R.D. award.

Bono has been preaching about giving money to Africa and forgiving their debt. When a group of like-minded activists proposed giving everybody in Africa a fishing pole and instructions on how to use it, Bono with his innate intelligence, quite naturally objected, instead saying that we should give everybody a really big Van De Kamp’s frozen fish fillet dinner.

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