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May 27, 2015

No one has really asked me what I would do with a time machine, but I felt the need to explain anyway.

Time travel is a concept that has existed in science fiction for hundreds of years.

From millennium skipping Victorians to phone booth hopping teenagers, the term time travel often explains our most fantastic visions of what it means to move through the fourth dimension.

Here are the first 10 things I would do.

  • Go back to be in MC Hammer’s clique when he was picking up the tab for everything.
  • Tell the Nazis where Anne Frank was hiding.
  • Get high with Jesus.
  • Then help crucify him.
  • Hit Marilyn Monroe with a shovel and drag her back to 2015 and rape her behind a tree.
  • Feed Mahatma Gandhi and challenge him to a fight.
  • Snort cocaine with Aristotle.
  • Blow up the Twin Towers on September 10th.
  • Video tape slaves stacking blocks on top of each other with my iPhone so scientists with too much imagination and not enough logic can understand how pyramids were built.
  • Go back to before there were any people and stay there.