Full Credits

Stats & Data

July 16, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. This is one of those days. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

In England, a concert featuring Bruce Springsteen and Paul McCartney was shut down after it went 30 minutes past the city's 10 p.m. curfew. "You should've invited me," said corrupt chief of police, Ringo.

MSNBC.com officially became NBCNews.com over the weekend. A story so unimportant that not even NBCNews.com will cover it.

Thanks to a write-in campaign, a cat has been elected mayor of Talkeetna, Alaska. So don't forget, Syrians: This is what you're fighting for.

Voters in Talkeetna said they were generally disappointed with the human candidates for mayor. Which describes perfectly how everyone in the world feels about the human voters in Talkeetna.

2012's drought is officially one of the 10 worst the country has seen, placing it among the Dust Bowl years. Possible causes include climate change or climate change.

Barack Obama defended attacking Mitt Romney about Bain Capital. “I think voters legitimately want to know, well what exactly was that business experience?” "We could probably answer that for you," said hedge fund managers still giving Obama money.

New York Knicks fan favorite Jeremy Lin appears to be leaving the team. Even worse, the New York Daily News JUST hired a new Jeremy Lin pun headline writer.

Aretha Franklin wants to be a judge on "American Idol." Just when Ryan Seacrest was getting comfortable being in the room with Randy Jackson.

The government will allow Florida to use Homeland Security's database to check if voters are legal citizens. Because illegal immigrants just keep overcomplicating Florida's voting process.

Tacks intentionally left in the road interrupted the Tour de France. Authorities suspect teenagers or Amelie has finally snapped.