WACO, TEXAS — The Hon. Judge Earl Baker is reportedly “in a pretty big pickle” following the conviction of an unborn fetus who was found guilty of murdering a family of three earlier this year.
According to court records from the case of Texas v. Fetus, jurors found the fetal defendant guilty on all three counts of first degree murder but, as Judge Baker put it, “I’m havin’ a hell of a time sortin’ this whole thing out and comin’ up with an appropriate sentence, on account of the fact that it would technically be an abortion if we were to throw the switch on that adorably tiny sociopath.”
Added Baker, “On one hand, I love killin’ killers… especially baby killers. But, on the other hand, this ain’t a guy who killed a baby. This is a baby who killed a guy, and that guy’s whole family, too. I mean, put yourself in my shoes. I believe that this fetus is a precious life, but I have to admit I’m fightin’ a pretty strong urge to fry that unborn daughter or son of a bitch for what it done.”
‘What it done,’ according to witnesses, was both heinous and gruesome. Court records show that the fetus somehow got its hands on a .38 caliber revolver, broke into the Grigsby Family residence where it lay in wait – showing clear premeditation – and, upon the Grigbsy’s return home from the local movie theater, shot all three members of the family in cold blood.
Baker summed up his own bewilderment, saying “It’s a catch-22. I’m in one of those moral – uhh – qua-… quan-… quantum leap things. Too bad Scott Bakula ain’t here. He’d know what to do.”
At press time, the defendant’s biological mother was denied the opportunity to address the court on the grounds that “this case is between the state and the fetus and doesn’t really concern her none.”