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January 23, 2015
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Find out how to be the HOTTEST person on CAMPUS in a few SIMPLE TIPS!

4 Hot, New Tips for College Life that REALLY WORK! (Number 4 Blew My MIND!)

Written by: Maggie Scudder

  • 1.Old Move: Hooking Up.

Ya know that hot guy who is smart and funny and super into you? Yes, that one you’ve been drunk texting on and off for a respectable amount of time! Well, you probably think it’s time to take it tothe next step. DON’T.

  • New Move: Just Kiss him and Walk away.

Forever. After 4 days of silence, text him a trusty “;)”. He’ll think it’s “the night”. But you know better. Go back to ignoring him. After about a week, end it.

  • Even Hotter: Don’t touch him. Don’t speak to him. Don’t look at him.

  • 2.Old Move: Binge Drinking.

I know it’s hip to go out with your friends and drink. But, COME ON. That’s SO 80s—and NOT in a thrifty way. Like, that’s something OUR PARENTS would do. Middle age? Gross.

  • New Move: Drink one beer every hour.

But make sure to break those up with PLENTY of water.

  • Even Hotter: Instead of getting drunk, just run in place in the corner. It will be a unique way to get anyone’s attention and a cool conversation starter!

  • 3.Old Move: Listening to a variety of Music.
  • New Move: Stop pretending that you like that indie crap.

Only listen to Beyonce, Taylor Swift, and Lorde. I see you nodding. And yes, it IS as good as it sounds. Ear-gasms: HERE. I.COME.

  • Even Hotter: Tease yourself.

Press play and then mute your laptop, or cool tablet thing–that I BET EVERYONE IS JEALOUS OF. You’ll know that the music is playing, and you’ll be craving more. ;)


  • 4. Old Move: Hanging out with People You Like.

Seems like a no brainer, right? WRONG. MY FRIENDS BARELY EVEN TEXT ME ALL THE TIME ANYMORE.

  • New Move: Hang out with people that really bother you.

That guy on your floor that smells like car exhaust? That girl who you pretty sure is swallowing all your nickels? Sounds like your new clique to me.

  • Even Hotter: Read that book your mom bought you this summer.

The pages will be your friends. You’ll seem bookish and mysterious. Tons of people will stop to ask you if you’re “feeling okay” because you’ve been “pulling away”. SOUNDS LIKE POSSITIVE ATTENTION TO ME.


HOTTEST MOVE OF THE SEMESTER: Watch @LaughIU on funnyordie.com/indianauniversity.
IU’s FIRST and ONLY Comedy Game Show!
Starring Maggie Scudder (the author of this article) and members of IU’s comedy community EVERY OTHER WEEK!
First episode premieres Friday January 23 at 5pm!
Oh, did we forget to tell you? If you tune in and tweet @laughiu your jokes you could win FREE PIZZA X PIZZA!

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